Adventures in OkCupid, the First

So I’ve been on this site for a good few months, and after more crazy messages than I can count, I’ve started archiving them.  My messages generally fall into four categories: guys who are looking for “hot girls” or “pretty ladies”, but can spell neither; guys who send the same general and uninteresting message to many women; guys who do not know how to start conversations with adult humans; and guys I actually want to talk to.  The first three categories are by no means mutually exclusive. 

When I first joined, I would enthusiastically message guys who seemed interesting or fun or different and then await their responses while thinking of all of the clever things I might say or ask in further conversations.  Almost none of them messaged me back, even when they claimed in their profiles to want to make friends, not just dates.  All of the guys I know who use this site complain that girls never message them, and that they would respond to anyone who sent them intelligent messages, so something confusing is happening here. 

Okay, I told a white lie.  A few guys responded.  One claimed he knew a math joke, and when I asked about it, he told me.  End of interaction.  Another messaged me with a bunch of terrible puns about animals (many might say that there’s no such thing as a non-terrible pun, but we can talk about that later).  A third responded pleasantly and intelligently for several days, then stopped.  I can only assume that he died, was severely injured, or found someone more interesting and rudely cut off all communication.  A fourth, who mentioned wanting penpals, responded once to talk about interesting letters, and then similarly disappeared.  A fifth and final guy responded to tell me that he was sorry, but he was only looking for girls in Manhattan.  This is an annoyingly common response, from what I hear.

Anyway, the moral of those stories is that I stopped sending messages.  It got pretty annoying to get my hopes up and receive no responses.  The feminist in me feels bad abut this.  It shouldn’t be up to guys to start conversations.  But the part of me that is sensitive to rejection won, and realized that most guys just want to talk to the girls they like (read: the girls they’re attracted to).  I hate it, but it seems to be a truth universally acknowledged by the rest of the world.  But when I decided to stop initiating conversations, I also decided to respond to EVERY person who sends me a message.  In whatever way I see fit.  Don’t worry – when a guy sends me a serious or legitimate message, I respond accordingly.  This is not a blog about those guys.  This is a blog about the other 99% – no, not that one – the other OTHER 99%.

This first one is one of the most frustrating, but, in the end, most entertaining.  I’ve left the grammar as is, and all names have been changed to protect the innocent, the annoying, and the very, very stupid:

Moronosaurus: Hey, what’s your name?

Me: Really?

Moronosaurus: Yes. I didn’t see it on your page

Moronosaurus: My name is Charlie

Me: Yes, because I don’t give my name out to strangers

Moronosaurus: Fair enough. You seem very interesting as well as cute :-

Moronosaurus: There’s a lot to like about you

Moronosaurus: 😀     (Now is a good point to start noting that, because these are messages, not a chat, this guy repeatedly responds without waiting for, or reading, a response)

Me: That’s flattering, but doesn’t give me anything to respond to. For instance…what is the opposite of a tree? (If you met me through OkC, I most likely asked you this question)

Moronosaurus: Well, I like that you can be sassy and/or sarcastic

Me: See, I was trying to give you a hint. I asked a question, which means you now have something to answer.

Moronosaurus: But also how you tell everyone you are who you are take it or leave it 🙂

Moronosaurus: no surprises

Moronosaurus: additionally, you have an attractive figure

Me: See, while I appreciate reading that, I still have nothing to answer. And I don’t love that you’re pretty much ignoring what I’ve saying. (Yeah, that typo’s bothering me.  I’ve BEEN saying)

Moronosaurus: what am I ignoring?

Me: Compliments are nice and all, but other than “thanks”, there’s not much to say to them. I asked you a question, and hinted that you should try doing the same. You neither answered nor asked me one. People like to be asked about things. It gives them a way to start conversations.

Moronosaurus: What kind of movies do you like? Do you have a favorite?

Moronosaurus: and what do you think is your best physical feature

Me: There’s a section for that in my profile already. My pegleg. You can’t see it in the photos.

Moronosaurus: I don’t know what is opposite of a tree (I still can’t tell if this is intended as a statement or a question, but at this point, I really didn’t care)

Moronosaurus: pegleg?

Me: There’s no right or wrong answer – it’s a question to see how people think. Is there something wrong with peglegs?

Moronosaurus: no.I wasnt sure if you were being serious or not. You have a nice smile

Me: I also have a nice brain, but no one ever seems to mention that. It’s wrinkled in all the right places.

Moronosaurus: that’s funny 🙂

Me: I’ve seen the scans. I’ve got one fiiiiine medulla oblongata.

Moronosaurus: that’s good to know. lol

Moronosaurus: may I ask you something? (You just did!)

Me: Yes. Please. Much better than being told things.

Moronosaurus: Im sorry lol do you have a big butt? 😉

Me: Yeah, I think that ends (pun intended) this conversation. Go learn how to talk to female humans and try again with someone else.


I’m not completely sure if we were participating in the same conversation.  Ever feel like that?

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