Perhaps the Most Obnoxiously Picky Guy Out There

Sometimes, I get a message from a guy who is so hilariously terrible that I just have to share it.  This is that guy.  I almost hope he forgets that he ever sent me a message in the first place, and sends another.  Sadly, I didn’t save the actual conversation, but I remember the important bits.

One evening, while waiting to meet a fellow writer in a coffee shop, I checked my messages.  Wahoo, a new one!  (I don’t get that many messages, folks.  Also, I have a low excitement threshold).  This one tells me that, based on our percentage scores, we seem to have a lot in common.  He sends me a link to the abridged version of his profile, just in case. 

First off, those match numbers don’t necessarily predict anything.  I could be matched with most moderately intelligent (or at least, moderately savvy) liberals who are interested in things and people.  The internet is filled with people like that.  I can tell a lot more from reading a person’s profile.  Do they take themselves too seriously?  Do they not bother to fill one out?  Are their answers cursory, or flippant in a way that goes beyond charming?  Perhaps I over-analyze people’s tone and word choice (a result of both being a writer-type person and being the kind of person who worries too much about the details), but I can usually tell a lot by how people choose to present themselves.  Sure, I generally don’t have much to talk about with a 50% match, but I don’t differentiate much when they’re above 90%. 

Okay, who needs a separate page for the truncated version of their profile?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to keep your profile concise, and link to a longer one if the reader is still interested?  Well, I found out why this guy might need an abbreviated version.  I’ll confess, my profile isn’t brief, either.  I’m a rambler, and I never know when to cut myself off when I think I’m being funny or clever, which happens often (the thinking I’m clever, not the being clever).  But this profile was a novel.  It was like reading Dickens, but even worse, and with more words.

He starts out with his dealbreakers and must-haves.  The woman needs to love video games (not uncommon) and Yu-gi-oh! (much less common).  This man is 30.  I generally support efforts to stay young, and to hold on to whatever childlike wonder you can, but this might go too far.  I may be biased, though, since I didn’t understand the appeal of Yu-gi-oh! when I was a kid, either.  Okay, this requirement is specific, but not unreasonable for some. 

In addition, you can’t shop at Walmart, or own any Apple products.  Honestly, I’m not a huge Apple supporter, and have no interest in ever owning an iphone, ipad, or Mac.  But…I have an ipod.  If a better option existed, I would use it, but no one in their right mind owns a zune.  Where do you even take one to get it fixed?  I occasionally go for walks, hikes, and to the gym, and use my ipod to listen to David Sedaris books-on-tape in my car, so there really isn’t a way to do that without an Apple product.  You must be liberal, but not libertarian.  Again, not the most unreasonable request, but still oddly specific.  He prefers that you be raised Christian, ideally Catholic, but not be “crazy” about it.  Then why does it matter?  He wants his women to be religious, but not really care about their religions?

Here’s where we get into weirder territory.  He dislikes certain “abrasive” personality traits, sarcasm in particular.  So…he didn’t look at my profile at all, did he?  I live on a steady diet of sarcasm and ridiculousness, usually washed down with some Dr. Pepper.  I mention this in my profile just in case people have trouble picking up my tone.  Frankly, I’d argue that the tone of his profile and the way he goes about finding mates is much more abrasive than my sarcasm, but again, I may be biased, as I tend to find myself charming and hilarious. 

His last dealbreakers are drinking, smoking, and doing drugs.  I have no problem with these being tipping points for someone.  I couldn’t date a smoker, a drug user, or a heavy drinker.  But thenhe goes on to say that your friends also can’t drink, smoke, or do drugs.  That gets a bit more difficult.  Unless all of your friends are eight, it’s unlikely that none of them drink.  He further explains that this is important because if you were to be in a couple with him, not everything would “be about you” anymore.  Okay, yes, ideally in a relationship you think about the other person, but there’s a weird biting tone to this, like he expects all women to go in acting like spoiled princesses, and it’s his job to turn that around.  Ugh.  I’m turned off by anyone telling what to do or not to, but his attitude was downright smug. 

So of course I couldn’t let him go without a telling off.  I listed the things I do that he would not be amenable to (I drink socially, use sarcasm more frequently than I use toilet paper, and am an atheist-leaning agnostic).  I also ask why, if he mentions several times that he is liberal and open minded (these claims are made further into the depths of his endless abyss of profile), he seems to be so intolerant.

He responds with a reeeeeeeeeealllllllly long rant.  Not quite as long as his profile, but probably longer than the average five paragraph essay (I’ve been teaching essay writing to too many middle schoolers!).  He lives in a college town, and the drunk and drug addled students are loud and rude and disruptive.  Dude, you’re 30.  Move the hell out of the college district.  Stop living in a neighborhood of drunks.  He tells me that others who smoke, drink, or use drugs infringe upon his rights.  No one smokes indoors anymore, so I’m not sure where he is that he couldn’t just walk away from anyone holding a cigarette.  I also highly doubt that my choice to drink a glass of wine with my mom and my sister while eating cookies and yelling at the screen during Project Runway infringes on his rights. 

I will, however, consider infringing my fist upon your face, jerk.  Good luck finding no one!

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