And Now for Something Completely Different!

So a lot of people lately have told me that they miss/enjoyed my old “goofy kids at work” status updates.  And so do I.  So I figured I’d put together a greatest hits of kid quotes/observations.  For those of you who don’t know, I used to work in a before/after school program in a K-5 school, and for whatever reason, me + children = completely ridiculous exchanges of words. 

So, this was the tail end of a conversation with a kindergartner about a special kind of train.  The entire conversation was a lot like this excerpt, but I only have so much memory space in my brain what with all of the Will Smith lyrics and Arrested Development quotes knocking around up there:

Kid:They’re so big, they’re like as big as this (points to nothing)

Me: But where are they?

K: They’re like really big. They keep them outside.

M: Right, but you said there were only 6 in the world, so where in the world?

K: The world is like, the whole world. You know, like the entire world. There aren’t really zombies in the world, I know there aren’t. Everyone thinks there are.

(I should mention that zombies were not mentioned at any point before this.  Or after.)

Sometimes kids are really, really specific:

Kid: You’re going to be dead as a rat!

Me: What? Not all rats are dead.

Kid: Fine. You’re going to be dead as a rat in a trashcan behind a Chinese restaurant.

Me: Okay then.

You can’t make these things up:

Kid 1: Do you know what gay is?

Kid 2: No

1: It’s when a boy likes another boy

Me: Don’t forget the ladies!

1: Oh yeah

2: Well, if it was a woman with another woman, they’d have lots of babies!

1: Yeah, and with the two men, they wouldn’t have any babies!

And another slight misunderstanding of how babies are made:

kid 1: My children will be silly bands

me: Will you…build them that way?

kid 2: You’ll have to put a silly band in your wife!

kid 1: Oh, I know how babies happens. My dad told me. It makes sense that the dad should tell you, since he has to do most of the work!

This kid was my absolute favorite, and it will become really obvious why:

Kid: Yeah, so he’ll die, and then he’ll be recarbonated.

Me: So…he’s coming back as soda?

Kid: Oh. No, what’s it called, then?


Kid: So there’s this line in a Katy Perry song, and it asks if you’ve ever felt like a plastic bag. What does that mean?

Me: Well, that depends. Do you mean a plastic bag like you’d get groceries in, or like a ziplock bag?

Kid: Ziplock bag.

Me: Well, if she means, “do you sometimes feel like you have a sandwich inside you?” then yes.


Me: Alright, now walk like Egyptians!

Kid: I can do that. (Gets up and walks normally)

Me: ?

Kid: You never said an ANCIENT Egyptian!

Me: Dang it.


Kid:I went snowboarding.

Me: Cool, where?

Kid: In Steven’s Pants.

Me: Huh. That’s…different.

Kid: I mean Steven’s Past.

Me: Not sure if that’s less weird.

Kid: Pass. Stevens Pass.

It’s like Aotocorrect Live.


So, I like to dress up for Halloween, and generally go all out. My first year working there, I went as a taco.  A surprising amount of kids asked, “what’s a taco?”  The next year, I went as the Weasley twins, so I bleached my hair before dying it red, and then built a twin to strap on my back like a backpack.  Here were some things that resulted:

When you work with the same 80 children every day, and make a drastic hair change, you get some interesting comments. Also, it’s clear that most boys have no idea how to talk to people. While girls say things like, “Cool, you changed your hair!” Or, “Whoa, I really like your hair!”, boys say: “You dyed your hair? It looks awkward.” “Is that a wig?” (and then tug on it to check) and “You should undye your hair”.


My dummy twin, George, got dragged around most of the school today. By the end, his eyeballs were gouged out, the paint on his face was partly scraped off, and, oddly, all of the buttons of his shirt were buttoned (which I hadn’t done). Children are strange people.

Sometimes kids play games, and funny things get said:

2 kids are playing Pokemon, and another one is watching.

Kid 1 (to kid watching): Who’re you rooting for?

Kid 2 : I dunno. Which one of you has the better looking face?

Kid 3: Uh…what?


I need to work on my pretending-to-be -interested-in-pokemon skills. Pretty sure I said that I liked “the shiny ones”.


During a game of Life:

Kid: Jess, you’re married, and you are having two kids. Why would you do that if you don’t have a job yet? You’re going to run out of money. Isn’t that breaking all the rules?

Amen, kid

Kid during gym game:

Jess, I haven’t touched a ball in 10 minutes

Me: Um…(keepstraightfacekeepstraightface)

I am 12.


The opposite game:

Me: “What is the opposite of a tree?”

Kid: “A person on fire.”

Other counselor: “What is the opposite of Kids’ Time?”

Kid 2: “Fart Time.”

Kids like Justin Bieber.  And Canadians:

Kid: You’re Canadian?

Sub: Yup.

Kidr: So you must’ve met Justin Bieber.

Sub: Um…


The other day, a second grader told me, apropos of nothing, that I was getting married to Justin Bieber. Then she asked if he was going to have sex with Selena Gomez. I’m not sure which disturbed me more – that she asked that, or that he would cheat on me so close to our impending marriage.


Kid: Vampires are real. They sleep in coffins. Like Canadians.


And the rest of the time, they are totally random:

3rd grade boy: Jess, are you going to get married?

Me: Not today

boy: Soon?

Me: Uh…

Another 3rd grade boy: You know, King Tut was 11 when he got married.

Me: Well, that means you have only 2 years left. Start looking.


Me: (handing kid spaghetti) Do you need a fork?

Kid: Jess, I’m not a pig. Of course I need a fork.


Today, a kid told me that I laugh too much. I didn’t realize this was a. possible or b. a problem.


Kid 1: It tastes like money!

Kid 2: Yes. You gave us yams, and they tasted like money.

(Oddly, knowing the context of this makes it even more weird.  Now if only I remembered what it was…)



Me: You’ve had a computer for 12 years? That’s an old computer.

Kid: Jess, you’re an old computer.

Me: I’m not sure what that means, but I think I’m offended.

Kid: You probably shouldn’t be. I don’t know what it means, either.


In a birthday card book:

Beyond (yes, this is a kid’s name, not the preposition), Happy Birthday from Andrew. I lice you.


Today, I spent about an hour on a playground on the roof of a children’s museum stomping around as a T-Rex and chasing kids in and out of tunnels. Some of them were not kids from my camp. And somebody pays me to do this.


That’s all for now!  Hopefully my middle school counselees will be just as colorful.


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