Monthly Archives: August 2014

Where’s Your Fedora?

So, for any of you who don’t or haven’t spent as much time reading blogs and tumblrs about OKC, there’s this bizarre phenomenon where guys wear fedoras in their profile pictures, claim to be nice guys, and then act like complete jackasses, either in their profile responses, their questions, or in the nasty things they say to women who reject them.  They are also a lot like what are often referred to as NiceGuys (TM).  I don’t know what the correlation is with the fedoras, if there is some sort of chemical infused in them that leaks into guys’ brains and makes them awful people, but it’s pretty consistently true that the guys who wear them, and who use OKC, are asshats.  So I cam across this charming profile-visitor today.

First off, his username is a reference to marijuana.  Something about a “dab”, which I had to look up.  It’s some sort of extreme, high quality pot.  He also mentions dabs as one of the six things he couldn’t live without.  Honestly, I don’t have a really strong opinion about pot.  I don’t think it’s very dangerous, as long as people are smart about it and don’t drive after smoking it, but it shouldn’t rule your life.  I feel similarly when people have main profile pictures where they’re very obviously holding a six pack.  If this is the first impression you want to give off, booze or weed are way too important in your life.

And here’s his self summary:

I am looking for a serious monogamous relationship

(In his questions, he expresses serious interest in three ways.  If you want to do this in an open relationship, and your partner(s) agree to it, fine.  But I don’t think this fits what most people think of as monogamous relationships)

I enjoy traveling, BBQ, relaxing at the inlet on a cool night, trying all different types of cuisines, occasional city visits, I will try anything just about once. I love to cook all different things and it would be great if you did too! I’m pretty easy going, not looking for any drama or bs. No games played here or wanted. I’d rather talk to you then dump my life story here. I’m the nice guy that won’t send you dick picks or ask to have sex on the first email hahaha. I’ll never understand those losers!

(Stop telling us how nice and easy going you are, guys, and how willing you are to try things.  It doesn’t make you sound interesting, and often isn’t true.  Try showing us instead.  Also, stop telling us how much you hate drama.  Men and women are equally guilty of causing drama.  But most importantly…don’t mention dick picks.  Just don’t.  Women don’t want to think about that when reading your profiles.  I hope our standards are higher than just “doesn’t send dick picks” and “doesn’t proposition us in the first message”)

What I’m doing with my life:

Figuring out my next move.. The future, wil I ever actually find someone serious on here

(Maybe if you didn’t send confusing mixed messages about wanting monogamy and wanting threesomes?)

What I’m good at: I’m a techie, the guy who fixes your phone when you’re to lazy to use google haha

(Yup, following up your insult to women with a “haha” totally negates it!)

An, oh, the questions…

 

Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are…

Incredibly hot!

(I have a feeling that the strict monogamous girlfriend you are seeking might not be a huge fan of this? Okay, now remember how his guy describes himself as nice?)

How do you feel about government-subsidized food programs (free lunch, food stamps, etc.)?

Never – Get a job

(It’s super easy these days, too, so you should totally yell at anyone who struggles to find one, and make it impossible to support themselves while they do)

What’s your relationship with marijuana?

I smoke occasionally.Get over it, you get shit faced st a bar, I don’t

(Assume much?  No, I don’t get “shit-faced”, at a bar or otherwise.  Do I drink?  Yeah, sometimes.  Plenty of women don’t, or don’t drink enough to get shit-faced. And women are allowed to not like pot smokers if they so choose)

Do you litter?

Often

(Really?  First of all, I think you’d actually have to put effort in to litter often.  You’d have to walk around with all sorts of trash in your pockets, throw shit on the ground, and say, “yeah, suck it, earth!  I don’t care about you, and I want you to know it!”  And what is he hoping to prove with this?  That he’s proud of littering?)

I prefer to sleep…

Alone

(Okay, if you have a sleep disorder or some other condition that makes it difficult or impossible to sleep in the same bed as a partner, this is acceptable.  But if that’s the case, you should either explain that, or leave this question blank.  I can’t imagine that a lot of OKC users who are looking for monogamous relationships are hoping for a guy who would sleep in a separate bed/room/apartment all the time.  At least, not in the long run.)

Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?

YesIt’s not even a question. No hair except your head!

(Yay!  Another guy dictating what women should do with their bodies!  So NICE!)

Do you believe that men should be the heads of their households?

Yes

If you turn a left-handed glove inside out, it fits…

On my left hand

In the line “Wherefore art thou Romeo?,” what does “wherefore” mean?

Who cares / wtf?

STALE is to STEAL as 89475 is to…

89754

Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs were not allowed to reproduce?

Yes

(Um…you see the problem here, right?)

Do you have a problem with racist jokes?

NoLove them

 

This guy sounds like a total catch.  He enjoys racist jokes, wants to get rid of people who are as dumb as he is, enjoys littering, will tell you how to groom yourself (by the way – does this mean you can’t have arm hair, either???) , and he will be judgmental about your drinking habits before he even knows what they are!  I just can’t figure out why he can’t find a girlfriend with this profile.  I mean, really, he sounds like the type of guy who really respects women.  And the earth.  And people in general.

 

Next up: some helpful tips for new users/folks who don’t know what they’re doing in the online dating world!

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Profile Hypocrisy, or Why Jess Really Needs to Get a Job

Every now and then, when I notice that a terrible match has looked at my profile, I like to take a look at their profiles and questions, just to amuse myself.  Or sometimes to feel superior.  So I checked out this dude:fat hypocrite

Now, normally, I don’t include pictures, but here, it’s pretty important.  Take a  good look.  It’ll be on the quiz later.

So, in the first few sentences of his profile, this guy claims to be a geek.  Also, I should mention that he answers in a few of his questions that religion and God are important to him.

While he only comes up as about 45% enemy, I’ve never seen so many pages of unmatched answers.  Let’s take a look, and remember: geeky, religious, and that’s his picture:

Which of the following best describes Science, in your opinion?

Hello? Like totally boring, dude.

(Okay, so he’s not a SCIENCE geek)

Which is longer, a mile or a kilometer?

I don’t know!

(And not a math/fact geek…my answer was also red, so he also doesn’t want me to know!)

Would the idea of a quiet evening sitting together reading books ever appeal to you?

No.

Yes.

(Not a book/literary geek either, and I also can’t be one)
How important is it that your partner be willing and able to participate in meaningful philosophical conversations?
Not at all important.
(My answer of “extremely important” is also red, so philosophical discussions aren’t his thing, and can’t be mine)
Star Trek: cool or uncool?

Uncool

Cool

(Dude, what the hell kind of geek are you?)

Does he cosplay, or want to? No. Is he left or right brained?  Too much brain talk!  Boardgames? Meh.  Academic achievements? Not important.  Significant other having a graduate level education? Unacceptable (I get this a lot, and not just from guys who only finished high school.  Plenty of guys who went to college don’t want to date someone who has a graduate degree.  Really?)  What does the “wherefore” in “Wherefore art thou Romeo” mean?  Where.  This takes 5 SECONDS to google.  And less to skip the question.  Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs weren’t allowed to reproduce? Yes.  Well, dude, you might not be allowed to have kids, then. And…

Have you ever spent more than 8 hours straight playing video games?

Yes

No.

Dingdingding!  This must be what makes him geeky! And it is completely unacceptable if the person he dates is another kind of geek!  Also, is it just me, or are video games a big enough part of popular culture that we can’t consider all gamers to be geeks automatically?

Now, I can’t tell if he really is this specific about what he DOESN’T want in a significant other, or if he didn’t really understand how the questions work, and that you can accept answers besides your own.  Either way, that might explain his answer to this question:

Have you been faithful in all of your past relationships?

I haven’t had a past relationship.

Yes.

(Is he objecting to that fact that I’ve been faithful???  Okay, now remember that he’s religious again…)

The idea of gay and lesbian couples having children is:

Not acceptable.

(Blarg, but not surprising)

Gay marriage—should it be legal?

No civil union is good enough

(I wasn’t surprised by the answer, but the commentary just adds to how much I cringed)

Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are…

Just having some girlish fun.

(Ohhhhhh, I get it.  You think that it’s morally wrong to BE gay, but it’s absolutely charming to PRETEND to be gay for ATTENTION!)

Overall, do you think that what you do (or plan to do) for a living makes the world a better or worse place?

No impact.

Better.

(Okay, I kind of assumed that anyone who considers himself to be religious or spiritual or even moral would be completely on board with dating someone who believes that what they do is good for the world, but…I’m agnostic, so, maybe I’m confused about what morality is?)

Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?

Yes

(Now I’ve read the ten commandments several times, and I don’t remember “Thou shalt not keep thyne womanly legs hairy!” being in there)

Commitment to personal growth is:

Sort of important

Critically important.

(I mean, you should grow, but not TOO damn much.  It makes the rest of us look bad if you try to do that)

Now, take a few seconds to scroll back up and get a good look at that picture.  Did you do it?  Good.

How would you describe your body?

Slender

(Um..not sure that’s the word I’d use.  Now, the closest on that list for me is “voluptuous”, which I chose, and which he thinks is unacceptable.  But it gets better)

Can overweight people still be sexy?

No

Yes

 (Ah.  You’ll notice that this is the only time his answer’s in red, and mine isn’t.  So…overweight MEN – i.e., he – can be sexy, or he wants you to think so, but he does not extend the same courtesy.)

Do overweight people annoy you?

Yes Obese people

(I don’t hate ALL fat people, just the ones who are fatter than I am!!!  Or, I have a lot of self-hatred)

And now for some random inconsistency:

Other things being equal, would you be more attracted to an artist or a scientist?

Artist

Scientist

(Now, since I’m already a bit of an artsy type, I’d rather date some who isn’t, so that I can get a bit of balance.  His answer here isn’t the problem yet)

Are you an aspiring actor/artist/writer or other creative type?

No

Yes

(I…what?  I can’t figure out what the hell you want, dude, but you seem awfully choosy about whatever inconsistent thing it is!)

Sometimes, after looking through profiles like this, I want to give up on online dating altogether.  It’s fine if people want to be too lazy for the intelligence/knowledge questions, but at least don’t parade yourself as a smart person. And what is with all the homophobic guys who still love to watch straight girls make out? Why is THIS okay to them?  And then there’s the fat thing.  Now, as a fat person, I pay attention to these questions.  If a guy answers that he doesn’t find fat people attractive, I don’t message him.  Seems pretty logical.  I used not message them even if they said they would only rule women out “if they were obese”, because, based on the medical definition, I am.  But then I realized that plenty of guys who answered it that way were messaging me, so apparently I must be passing as “overweight”.  And here’s the other thing.  Yes, I’m mostly attracted to skinny dudes. Anyone who’s met my past boyfriends could figure this out.  But it would be super hypocritical of me to be like, “nope, fat people are all hideous and unsexy”, and it’s just not true, anyway.  I think a ton of larger women are very attractive: Queen Latifah, Adele, Melissa McCarthy, etc.  And there are some overweight dudes out there who are, too.  Honestly, I stopped being bothered by the amount of guys out there who answer “no” for a lot of those questions.  But for some reason, it really ticks me off when this guy, who is obviously not “slender”, answers in SEVERAL questions that he does not like fat people.  That’s like if I said I was a terrible speller, but that it really bothered me when other people spelled stuff wrong.  If I “rarely” remember to conserve electricity, I’m not going to yell at someone else for forgetting just as often as I do.    Sometimes I want to punch some of these people in the face, and it’s a really good thing that the internet has not invented this feature yet.  There would be a LOT of bruises out there.

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I Bet this Guy Calls Himself a Nice Guy

I typically get six types of messages on OKC.  The overtly sexual ones, the “hi/hey” with nothing else, the “hey pretty/sexxy/beautiful”, the “I’m going to tell you a bunch of stuff about myself and not ask you anything specific”. the “greeting and questions, but seems on the boring side”, and the very rare “greeting and questions, but seems fun/funny/quirky/interesting.”  If I get one in that last category, and our percentage match is around the 90s, I’ll checkout the profile, and if I like it, I respond with interest.  For the sexual messages, I generally respond with something sassy or weird.  For the ones who are only interested in my appearance, I tell them that that bothers me.  For the his, depending on the match percentage, I’ll ignore, respond, or respond with something absurd, because at least one of us needs to make the conversation interesting.  For the guys who just talk about themselves, I call them out on it, or don’t respond.  And for the final category, the guys who seem polite or pleasant but uninteresting, I give them the benefit of the doubt.  They might be trying to come of as “not a rapist” or “not a serial killer”.   But I’ll be a little more critical looking at their profiles.  I’ll check through their questions, and see how much we fundamentally disagree or agree about.  I have a few dealbreaker triggers, like sexism, homophobia, belief in creationism, non-interest in anything intellectual, or racism/tolerance of racism.  For most of the other things, even if we wouldn’t be great in a relationship, we could probably at least be friends.  And I like friends, right?
 
So I get this message from a guy who’s an okay, but not great, percentage match: randomlettersNJ: I like your profile.How long have you been living on the east coast? I moved to NJ from MN last year, But I am originally from Nigeria 11 years ago. 
 
Not the most interesting thing in the world.  Also, in the picture he has a backwards baseball cap, and is trying to look tough and cool.  Sigh.  Still, I check out the profile:
 

My self-summary

I am self sufficient, independent, honest, and a dedicated person. I have a great sense of humor. I am very laid back and down to earth. I enjoy helping others and making people laugh more than anything else. I mainly go by the saying “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Most people will describe me as generous hard working and caring and most of all very humorous. I enjoy watching movies and sports. Also, I like spending time with friends and family, road trips, bowling. etc Let’s chat and see what happens.
 
(I am soooo tired of everyone calling themselves down to earth, or laid back.  And both!  It’s okay to care about stuff, people, and sometimes in order to be passionate about things you like, it also means you’re passionate about what you don’t.  Mostly, this just seems generic and boring.)

What I’m doing with my life

Working towards my goals.
 
(Vague.  Boring.)

I’m really good at

Everything 🙂
 
(Cocky much?)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

MUSIC:
Hip Hop
R&B
Rap
 (This is all he has for this entire section.  No books, movies, TV, or food interests.  I don’t have stylistic problems with hip hop and rap, but in general, those types of music tend to be violent, misogynistic, and promote a disturbing extreme of materialism.  So, already, not looking like a great match.)

On a typical Friday night I am

Spending time with friends.
 
(Doing what?  Acting like ninjas?  Murdering people?)
 
I wasn’t super interested in this guy so far, but I figured I’d check out his questions.  One of the first things that stuck out was that he thinks men should be the heads of their households.  Reg flag!!  But I figured, hey, his message was harmless enough, I’ll at least respond and give him a chance to defend his opinion.
 
Me: I grew up here, but wen to college and grad school in other cities. Why do you think it’s important for men to be the heads of their households? 
 
(Yeah, that typo’s bugging me!  This seems innocuous, right?)
 
randomlettersNJ: You want to be the head of the household? 
 
(Right away, this seems defensive.  Instead of just answer with what he believes in, he throws out a challenge.  Challenge accepted, Mr. Vague and Evasive.)
 
Me: I don’t really think they’re should be a head. It’s called partnership. But that didn’t answer what I asked. 
 
(Ack, I must’ve typed that too quickly.  THERE, Jess, THERE.  But I won’t let you not answer.)
 
randomlettersNJ: I believe in partnership. But I am a little surprised how you are focused on negative already. 
 
(Did I say anything particularly negative?  If anything, I’m trying to give this guy a chance to convince me that I should like him, because so far he is uninteresting and does not seem like my type at all.)
 
Me: It doesn’t sound like it. But I get a lot of messages from guys who either didn’t bother to read my profile, or who don’t have a lot in common with me, or both. Some differences are fine, like what activities you enjoy, or religion. But gender equality is pretty important to me, so that’s something I look into when I get messages. 
 
(This is true, and again, I think fairly innocuous.  Yes, I commented on the partnership, because to me, thinking that the male should be the leader doesn’t mean equal partnership.  But if a guy doesn’t respect women as equals, we’re not going to get along, period.)
 
randomlettersNJ: How about you try going with the flow sometimes. Life is too short. No reason to be too complicated. 
 
(I never try to say that I’m easy going, or laid back, so I’m not sure why he expects that I should be, or that everyone should be.  Also, nothing makes me more at ease than when a guy tells me how I should act.)
 
Me: How about you don’t tell me how I should respond or react, please? 
 
randomlettersNJ: Ok boss. 
 
(I’m asking him to not think for me, or choose my responses, so obviously that means I’m acting like I’m the boss of him.  Oh, wait…)
 
Me: Yeah, I get to be the boss of my own thoughts and feelings. Crazy. 
 
randomlettersNJ: You need to go and get laid. You need a good dick. 
 
(Whoa.  What?  You can get defensive and argumentative all you want, but this is just gross and immature.)
 
Me: Wow. I asked a legitimate question about something you seem to believe, and I get this kind of response. Turns out I was right thinking that we wouldn’t get along. Obviously when a woman is assertive, you assume it’s because she’s cranky from not getting laid. I imagine a lot of women are into that. Good luck finding one. 
 
(I assumed, because of that last line, that he would understand this as the end of the conversation.  Well, we all know what happens when you assume.)
 
randomlettersNJ: Lol. “Turns out I was right thinking that we wouldn’t get along” Maybe you just find a way to prove yourself/thinking right. Hence why I said you are focused on the negative. Good luck to you too finding whatever it is you are looking for, if you even know.
 
(Yeah, I know I’m not looking for misogynists.)
 
Me: No, you proved it by telling me that I need to get laid. Because women only have opinions when we’re not getting some. Obviously you know what you want – a woman who won’t express her opinions or concerns. A nice doormat. 
 
randomlettersNJ: Ha Ha. Ok, if you say so. You know everything, don’t you. Maybe it’s the way you are expressing your opinions and concerns. Perhaps you should try dating a woman, since you are such a feminist.  
 
(I expressed my opinions perfectly politely until he told me I needed “a good dick”.  I think after that I’m allowed to be pissed off.  Also, this seems like Misogynist BS 101.)
 
Me: Yeah, because all feminists are lesbians. Plenty of men are feminists. I’m pretty sure that expressing a concern by asking someone a valid question about one of their answers is a completely acceptable and reasonable thing to do, but it seems like you don’t like people to question you. Also, it’s perfectly fine for a woman to reject you, and it shouldn’t cause you to act like a petty child. 
 
(Again, I wished him good luck in finding his doormat.)
 
randomlettersNJ: Lol. This is too funny. I think you are the only one feeling rejected here. I am pretty sure I have said good bye to you and you just keep messaging back. Bye again. 
 
 
 
…And then I reported him.  Yeah, I feel super rejected by a guy I wasn’t even interested in.  I think I was nicer to this guy then I am to others – I didn’t automatically assume he was going to be a jackass.  But as soon as he thought I might not be fawning over his awesomeness, and swooning at his ability to initiate a conversation, he went on the offensive.  Guys reject me all the time.  Much, much more often than I reject them.  I send friendly messages that never get responses, or get a few responses and a fade out (this one tends to confuse me the most).  But I have never gotten angry with them about it, or assumed that it was because they were awful, negative people.  I just assumed that they weren’t interested.  Sure, it can be disappointing.  And sure, I know that often it’s because they don’t find me attractive.  But the logical part of my brain knows that if they don’t find me attractive enough to give me a chance, then they wouldn’t be someone I’d want to spend tons of time with.  Stop taking everything so personally, guys.  Women don’t have to like you just because you send a nice first message.  And they definitely won’t like you if you become a dick when you think you’re being rejected.  If you want to act like a child, pick the fun parts, like the Legos and pillow fights and wearing your clothing inside out.  But don’t try to force women to want to date you, or assume that when we have opinions that we are uptight.  Oh, and randomnumbersNJ?  If you, me, and another woman were the only three people left on earth?  I’d try out the whole lesbian thing.

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Hopping on the Depression Bandwagon

Yup, this is going to be about mental health, and a bit of a departure from me torturing jerky online dating dudes. I know that, because of Robin Williams’s suicide, articles about depression and mental health are popping up on the internet more than cute pictures of puppies (maybe that’s just MY internet with all the puppies?).  So you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking, “good lord, not more of this…”, but I think that the more people talk about it, the less stigma we’ll attach to it, so, yeah.

A few of you already know most of this, and some of you probably know a little of it, and the rest of you have no idea.  I suffer from anxiety and situational depression.  It’s a very common combination, and most of it’s been passed down from my family members.  As a kid, it was mostly the anxiety.  Other kids labeled me as shy or aloof because approaching new people made my insides squirm.  Even more if they were adults who weren’t my parents.  I’m pretty sure this is why I read so many books.  With books, I could interact with all sorts of interesting people, but without any risk on my part.  I wasn’t going to say the wrong thing, or make someone unconformable.  And I could listen to them without being labeled as “the quiet girl”.   

I sort of outgrew that.  I still get anxiety in large groups, or meeting a lot of new people at once.  But I generally enjoy being around people, especially people I know well and don’t have to “perform” with,  But that doesn’t mean that the anxiety has gone away; it’s just moved to other parts of my life.  Like, for example, the first time I went on a date, my junior year of college.  We were already friends, or at least friend-ish, but that didn’t seem to matter.  I was relieved that the bus we took into Boston was crowded, because it made it difficult for us to talk much.  I sat while he stood, and we avoided eye contact.  We got tickets for a movie I had already seen and loved, but it didn’t start for over an hour, so we walked around the city.  I don’t know if I looked at his face once.  I just talked…a lot.  About the most random nonsense I could think of.  Because this is what it sounds like inside my brain sometimes: “Where are we walking? Should I walk faster so that he thinks I’m better shape than I am?  That’s dumb.  Does he think I look fat?  I mean, I am, but can he tell?  Of course he can tell.  Duh.  I hope I don’t sound stupid.  Why don’t I ask what male celebrity he would sleep with?  Do I want to know? Why is he staring at me? I wonder what he’s thinking about.  Probably broccoli.  Why broccoli?  Well, why not broccoli?  Well, maybe he prefers cauliflower.  Why would he prefer cauliflower?  It looks like those health book pictures of genital warts.  Ew.  I hope he doesn’t have an SD.  Has he had a girlfriend?  Did they have sex?  Like, a lot?  And what kind of underwear did she wear?  I’ve heard that some people wear matching underwear all the time.  Where do people even GET matching underwear? Maybe not everyone buys theirs at Target?” This was all in the span of about 30 seconds, and continued throughout the night. And this is something my mind goes through regularly – often before bed, before a performance/presentation of some sort, before an interview, before a first date, before a big party (because I go to soooo many of those), and during any life event that gives me anxiety. 

My second first date was almost as bad.  I drank at least seven glasses of water just to have something to do with my hands.  Which, of course, meant that I had to pee three times during the date.  And when I came the third time, I told him that I wasn’t going in there to shoot heroin, I just had ingested a lot water.  I talked about Crocs.  I talked about how awesome I thought time travel was (mostly, I find it confusing).  I talked about a lot of other things, but I don’t remember what they were, because I don’t think I was paying attention.

But the worst part is when the anxiety works itself into depression, which has only happened three times in my life so far.  The first was when I moved to Seattle.  I moved out with my then-boyfriend to start my Creative Writing MFA.  I had a teaching assistantship.  We found a shithole basement apartment, and I was registered for classes.  I was all ready to go…until my parents, who had flown out to help me move, flew back home, and I went into my room to lie down.  Our ceilings were lower than most, but right then, the room felt crushingly small.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t imagine myself as a teacher, as a Seattleite, as a grad student.  I knew no one in the city besides my boyfriend.  And I was convinced that I would never meet any other people, and would, spend the rest of my life by myself, or with him, in our dark, miserable basement with it’s teeny kitchen for eternity. I watched a lot of TV, mostly the Cosby show, to distract myself from these thoughts.  I spent most of the day crying, and the other part hyperventilating.  At one point, my boyfriend found me sitting on the floor in my closet with a pile of my clothes on top of me.  I wasn’t moving.  See, in my brain, this was totally logical.  If I put all my clothes up in the closet, than I would really be a person who lived in this city thousands of miles from everyone else I knew.  But if the clothes were on the floor, than it wasn’t real.  I could still move back to the safety of home, to my family and friends.  I could stay still. 

But of course, we can’t stand still, unless we want to drown or get struck by lightning or hit by cars.  My boyfriend, not knowing what the heck was going on, called my mom.  I flew home for a few weeks before classes started, and when I went back, tried to see a counselor, and eventually took some anti-anxiety pills.  They didn’t work for me, but once I started orientation, and spent some time with other people, even if I wasn’t friends with them for quite a while, I was okay, because my mind was busy enough to forget how bad I felt.

The second and third times were after breakups, and were pretty similar, though different degrees.  And both happened and not great times in my life: right before winter break my first year of my grad program at TCNJ,where I felt isolated and alien; and right after graduating from the same program, only a few months ago, with basically no job.  It hasn’t helped matters that a lot of my close friends are scattered across the country, and that while I have friends here, many of them have significant others and jobs and generally busy lives, while, right now I don’t, and didn’t then.  But here’s the thing everyone will tell you: breakups are hard.  And they are, almost always, and for most people.  They are a thousand times worse when you have depression.  My first breakup was fairly normal, because I was otherwise in a good place in my life – I liked my grad program, my job, and my social circle.  Yes, I was sad, and guilty, and sometimes lonely, and it did feel like little pieces of me were missing.  Most of the time I was able to distract myself from those feelings by surrounding myself with work and writing and friends.  But the next time, I didn’t have those things.  And I had certain expectations for my breakups, so nothing prepared me.  No one told me that I wouldn’t want to get out of bed, for days, weeks, even a couple of months.  That food would lose it’s appeal.  That nothing would be exciting or interesting enough for me to want to leave the house.  Some people call the feeling after you get dumped “heartbroken”, but it doesn’t feel like breaking. It feels like it gets sucked out the front of you with something strong and sharp. It takes yours lungs with it. It takes your intestines, your kidneys, your gall bladder. It takes everything inside you and dumps it on a highway somewhere for SUVs to crunch over. And when that’s over, you have a hole the exact shape of that person inside you. All that’s left of you is an outline, and you don’t know how to fill it. 

At least, that’s how if feels when you have depression.  Like living is meaningless.  Like any time you breathe, shards of glass enter your lungs.  Like everything is empty.  Many days I was physically sick.  Sometimes, this was a reaction to anxiety medication I was prescribed for sleeping, because I couldn’t fall asleep on my own anymore.  But it happened before I started taking that, so some of it was a physical reaction to my emotional state.  I would frequently throw up stomach acid in the mornings, and climb back into bed with my limbs shaking.  I didn’t clean my room for months.  Sometimes, I was afraid to drive.  I would think about crashing into a tree or a lamppost at top speed.  I would think about falling asleep and never waking up.  I spent my free time reading or watching TV, because being alone with my thoughts was a dangerous thing.  Because most of the time they sounded like: “you are a terrible person with no friends who will die alone in a ditch and no one will even notice that you’re gone”, or other versions of that.  After a really, really long time, things got slightly better.  And then slightly better than that.  I was taking antidepressants, and seeing a therapist, which do actually help, but not always. 

Yes, I know that it will go away.  But I also know that it can come back, and that is terrifying.  Because maybe it will be even worse the next time.  Hopefully by then, I will have a job, and a decent social life, so won’t feel it as much. 

And this is why I just don’t understand why people get angry at people who commit suicide because they have a mental health issue, often depression or bipolar disorder.  Those people have zero clues what it’s like to have those symptoms, and to feel that low.  They act like depression is a thing that means someone is crazy, or abnormal.  Except that it’s not.  Your friends have it, even if they don’t tell you.  Someone in your family.  Your teacher.  Your coworker.  Your mail carrier.  And some of them have gotten help for it, and some haven’t.  Because they can’t afford to.  Because they think they don’t need to.  Because they’re afraid of what their friends/parents/peers/boss/kids will say.  Because they think that a strong person would be able to deal with it on their own. Which is bullshit.  A few incredibly lucky people can manage their own depression, if it’s mild enough.  Most of us can’t, and that doesn’t make us weak, it makes us smart, and responsible.  No one calls you weak for going to a doctor to fix your sprained ankle, or your ear infection.  But when it comes to diseases of the brain, we all suddenly become really judgmental.  Because we can’t see the problems, they aren’t real.  

I’m not entirely sure I have a “point” to writing this, but one thing I’d like to throw out there is something for those like me, who’ve experienced a mental health issue sometime in their life: if you’re already open about it, continue being awesome.   If you’re not, because you’re a private person, that’s cool.  You’re allowed to keep what you want private.  But if you keep your issues to yourself because you’re embarrassed, or afraid, know that the more people who tell their stories, the less we need to tell them.  People will realize that mental health is a real thing – the kind that should be part of an insurance plan, and the kind that deserves respect, and sometimes treatment.  And then maybe all the people who need help can actually get it, and the jerks who stand on their pedestals and accuse sufferers of selfishness and petty actions will shut the hell up.    

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Does This Count as Trolling?

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So, here’s a larger version of the picture I use as the main one for my OKC pictures.  It’s a bit old, but I don’t think noticeably so.  I haven’t gained or lost much weight since it was taken.  I switch hairstyles every now and then, but I have different hair in most of my profile pictures.  I like it because I think it best expresses my personality.  I’m silly, and a little weird.  I can’t just have a mirror selfie or a picture with a group of friends.  I’m also wearing an oversized sweatshirt that I borrowed from my mom.  The picture was taken in my friend’s basement while we were goofing around with an exercise ball.  There’s another from the same night that is just a picture of my nose, but that might be less flattering.  Anyways, I don’t consider it to be a “sexy” picture, but I think I look decent in it, and I’m smiling, which I think gives off a good impression, like that I might like people or things.

The second person who contacted me on PoF, however, felt the need to discuss it,

GetsNoHints: You better not bend ouer like that in front of the wrong person :).

Um…ew?  Don’t give me that smiley nonsense after that kind of message, dude.

Me: I think you just nominated yourself as the wrong person. Way to be creepy, and think that it counts as flirtation.

GetsNoHints: Well I am joking. I think you nominated yourself. No sense of humor. I can assure you I am not creepy. That is no how I flirt. I would write a poem instead.

Has anyone ever uttered the words “I am not creepy”…who is not creepy?  Also, please, god, don’t write me a poem. 

Me: Yeah, totally not creepy assuming that a picture of me doing something fun is something sexual. That’s a pretty lame joke, if it was one.

GetsNoHints: The laws of probability state for every person who does not like my joke. Some one will. What is creepy about sex. You took i tha way with your imagination. I apologize though any how.

I don’t think he understands what probability is.  Or how to use punctuation.  I would guess that, for his jokes, one in maybe every 20 people gets it.

Me: Sex on it’s own isn’t creepy, but it’s creepy to message a stranger and right away allude to it. If it wasn’t supposed to be sexual, what was the joke, then?

GetsNoHints: Would you like to staru again anew and share some friendly conversation?

Would you?

Me: Not really. You have yet to explain what the joke was that wasn’t sexual, which makes me think…that it was.

Is there some other way to read this that I’m not getting? The next day…

GetsNoHints: Did you get the message for the meaning of the joke?

Me: Nope.

GetsNoHints: How are you tonight?

What?  I didn’t get the message…is he not going to tell me, and pretend like he sent a message?  Annnnd here’s where I decide to full on mess with him.

Me: Well, my kangaroo got loose, so it’s been pretty stressful.

GetsNoHints: What kangaroo.

He really doesn’t get the subtlety of the question mark.

Me: The kangaroo that I have. What kind of question is that?

I, however, know just how to use one.

GetsNoHints: 1.) My question is to seek for knowledge and truth. 2.) It is not common to own a kangaroo and I did not want to assume. 3.) When you say what kind of question is that. It seems I am suppose to know.

Okay, if you’re going to make out one of these “I’m so logical” lists, at least use correct grammar so that I don’t assume you’re actually an idiot.

Me: I assumed that when I said “my kangaroo”, that would make it pretty clear. My mistake.

If I had said “my dog”, he never would have asked that.  Just saying.

GetsNoHints: In my opinion that in the begining of any relasionship the 2 most important things are communiction and understanding. I do not want to add to your stress.

Did the two of us start a relationship that I was unaware of? 

Me: Well, yeah, you hit on both of those with your first message. But yeah, Ollie hopped away this afternoon, and we tried to chase him down in the car, but, he just wasn’t having it. We don’t want to call animal control, but we might have to.

GetsNoHints: I apologize for my very first message. I hope you get the kamgaroo back

Okay, I’m a bit of an oddball, but at this point, even I would have asked, “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A KANGAROO?”

Me: He’s usually pretty well behaved. I’m not sure what got into him.

GetsNoHInts: What got into him is he is an animal and he goes on instincts.

Dude, don’t pretend like you know more about my imaginary kangaroo than I do.

Me: So are humans. And dogs. But he’s pretty well trained, and hasn’t run away before. We do live right in front of a lot of woods, so maybe something scared him.

GetsNoHints: Well I will try to be better well trained for you as well. :). So I do not scare you away.

I’ve never cringed so much to see a smiley face.  Is that what constitutes flirting these days? 

GetsNoHInts: Would you like to exchange numbers?

Well, the ? on his keyboard definitely works!

Me: No thanks.

GetsNoHints: Ok,would you like to share friendly conversation more?

No.  No I don’t.  I tried to say it politely, but you are thick.

Me: If by that do you mean would I like to make up more random stuff and convince you that it’s true?

GetsNoHints: No. I mean really talk and get to know each other.

No.  You’re creepy. I don’t respond right away, so:

GetsNoHints: Want to keep in touch?

Me: Well, then you should probably know that as a child, I had leprosy, so I have always been self conscious about my appearance.

I just can’t stop myself. 

GetsNoHInts: I like your appearance. You are a cutie pie.

Ugh.

Me: I like pie. Is that flavor some kind of berry?

GetsNoHints: No cherry. Did you really have Leprosy?

Me: Of course not. I also do not have a kangaroo.

Duh.

GetsNoHints: What will it take to have real communication and understanding?

Woe is you, PoF creeper.

Me: Talking to someone else?

GetsNoHints: I am talking with you.

Me: Nah, I’m having my own conversation, and you’re having your own conversation, so why don’t continue our conversations with ourselves separately.

And let’s be honest.  One of us is having a much more interesting conversation than the other.  It may or may not be me.  Hint: it is.

GetsNoHints: Ok snapper.

Eh?

Sometimes I wonder what makes me do this kind of stuff.  Then I remember that guys like this are creepy, and sometimes really, really dumb.  And totally deserve it.

Also, I really need a job.

 

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Gone Fishin’

So, I’ve been told that I’m giving online dating a bad rap.  Therefore, I thought I’d mention that I do actually meet some perfectly fine folks there, and met my last two boyfriends on OKCupid.  While I’ve had some awkward and mediocre dates, no one has tried to assault me, stood me up (well, mostly not), or said anything nasty about me in person.  But those folks are much less fun to write about, so you’re mostly going to see the weirdos and creeps. 

My sister jokingly suggested that I join Plenty of Fish, because it’s rumored to be even worse than OKC, and more rampant with creepoids.  Based on the set up, I’d say it’s certainly more geared that way.  I can’t figure out what they’re basing the matches on – they ask no questions about interests, activities, comfort level with sexual activities, political preferences, or beliefs about social issues.  And a lot of that is pretty important if you’re going to find a partner for more than just booty calls.  And most of the men I found on the site seemed to want “a relationship”.  But from what I can tell, the site is really not set up for that. It did allow me to take some personality type tests, that concluded that I either have low self esteem (in certain areas, sure), or that compromise was too important to me.  Don’t worry, PoF, people who’ve met me don’t think I’m that agreeable.

Honestly, I found the site a little boring.  The profile set ups are too free-form, so no one knows what to do with them, and it shows.  You’re also supposed to give yourself a tagline, but it’s not clear how that will be used until you’ve already set one up, so a lot of people write things like “hey there” or “trying this out”.  I did enjoy one that read, “Corey looking for his Topanga”, but otherwise, they were pretty dry.  And while a lot of OKC users still search mainly based on appearance, PoF makes it pretty hard to do anything else, so I found myself relying on stereotypes because I wanted to read as few of these tedious profiles as possible.  Black and white picture?  Too artsy or emo.  Mirror selfie?  Guy has no friends to take his picture, or doesn’t do anything interesting enough to merit taking pictures while doing those things.  Backwards hat? Player.  Even just a nuanced facial expression that appears disingenuous would get clicked into the reject pile. 

When you first join, a bunch of guys will look at your pictures and decide if they “yes/no/maybe” want to meet you, and the site emails you your prospects.  None of these guys read my profile, or they would know that we had nothing in common.  I did, however, get a kick out of this profile.  PoF organizes your written out profile into three sections: About me, Interests, and First Date.

His About Me:

So huge disclaimer. I am currently married. We are living together. Its a strange situation to say the least. Obviously if a person is on here something must be wrong. I am an open book. If there s something you want to know, by all means as away. 

(Nowhere does it mention whether his wife knows about him looking on PoF, but I’m guessing that means no.  Well, I’m sold!)

So I am half Greek and Irish. Blue eyes, left handed, had blonde air when I was little. Talk about alot of ressesive genes! I work for a software company but also trying to start my own product on the side.

(Why do people describe their physical traits in these?  We have eyes.  We can see your no longer blond “air”.)

I do have a type physically that I am strongly attracted to. Okay I won’t be shallow lol. I find common sense very attractive. If you have it then we will get along perfectly. If you ask me…. Why you need to wash your hands constantly when handling raw meat…. I am going to lose it…

(Hmm.  Does this guy have common sense?  It seems pretty dumb to find a girl to cheat on your wife with on a public dating site.)

I am not****. I am confident. I know what I want and will go for it. Please please please…. Dew nah tlk lik dis yo. You will be blocked. I don’t have time for you. Proper English…. I hope I didn’t scare off to many people. I look forward talking to you soon!!

 (His English is not much better, so this seems pretty demanding for someone who doesn’t do the same.  I also have no idea what ***** means in this context.  Am I missing something?)

Interests:

(None.  Well, cheating, and Proper Grammars, I guess.)

First Date:

If this happens, you are a lucky girl/woman!!

(For reals??  Yes, we should feel so lucky that a guy who’s dying to cheat would choose one of us to sleep with! Yay!!!!)

 

So then I checked out some more profiles, like this one:

About Me:

Since people NEVER replied , I AM NOT SENDING ANYMORE RANDOM MESSAGES TO PEOPLE, TIRED OF WASTING MY TIME. YOU MUST MATCH WITH ME. ITS EITHER YOU CLICK YES ON ME OR YOU MATCH WHEN I CLICK YES ON YOU OR ADD ME ME TO YOUR FAVORITE , OTHERWISE WE CAN’T TALK OR YOU SEND ME MESSAGE.Sorry, only way for me to stop wasting both our time, Instead of having my messages getting deleted or read with no response.

(I wonder why people wouldn’t want to respond to this guy…)


*Caps Is on, so people can read and see it * Yeah right, like any of you go through About Me’s anymore, its all about 12 packs, 200 tats and blowing smokes. If anything I said offend you, too bad but You’d be ii lol. But, sorry to burst your bubble , if you get offended easily, you shouldn’t be here or on the net at all.

(I’ve heard of a six pack and an eight pack, but does a twelve pack exist?  And what the hell does “You’d be ii lol” mean? )

I came to a conclusion that I’ve been taking this site way too seriously. People are judging you based on your looks, not your personality. A lot of self centered, conceited people here. I decided to delete all the non sense that I wrote, that 99% of you will not read. Here’s what you need to know below.

I am Marc,24, Gemini, single, no kids. I am an IT technician for MDC PARTNERS I have an associate in computer networking. I’m smart, funny, sarcastic, blah, blah. I’d be going back to school for my bachelor in computer science next year.
That’s all you need to know for now. Any questions ask if not, move along.


 
(I kind of love when people claim to be smart and funny, and then go on to prove that they are neither.  This guy sounds like a former NiceGuy.  And just to prove that he’s reformed his NiceGuy ways…)

Don’t bother if you are uneducated,ignorant, racist , looking like a Barbie with no brains, only here for Instagram followers, can’t hold a conversation, scam, fake, ghetto, wants a pot head. I’m not interested. Please don’t waste my f*cking time. I’d just read and delete your message like many been doing to me lol. Be a professional.

(A professional?  This is a dating site, not a job.)

 

I don’t really understand what men hope to get out of putting up angry profiles up on dating sites.  You declaring how every woman is a bitch or a slut who doesn’t care about rejecting you, or responding to your delightful messages of “Hi” or “Hey sexxxy” does not make anyone want to date and/or sleep with you.  If you are actually a nice guy, you probably don’t need to say it.  We’ll figure it out.  If you’re actually a nice guy, you don’t yell at unsuspecting strangers reading your profile.  And if you’re actually a nice guy, you don’t assume that any woman who doesn’t like you must be a whore or a bitch.  If you’re actually a nice guy, shut up about it, and just be a nice guy.

 

 

 

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When it Rains, it Pours Super Creepy Dudes

First off, remember that guy from my last post, who I asked to go harass someone else?  Found these lovelies in my inbox this morning:

Pakdude: Hahhahaha I really like you . You are so interesting but a little bit crazy but its oky I will handle it no problem oky you will be oky in time I am also a little bit crazy don’t worry lol

Pakdude: Good morning beautiful girl how are you doing?

(Yes, my frustration with what a terrible person you are is really charming.)

Me: Are you serious? For one thing, you think that racism is okay, homosexuality is a sin, and that while you enjoy intellectual conversation (supposedly. I have yet to experience any with you), you like women who don’t. No, no, no, no, no. If you message me again, I will block and report you.

(As amusing as this is, if I take it any further he will think that I am actually interested.  Because he is crazy.)

Pakdude: I swear I didn’t even know what is homosexuality and sin what are you talking about

Me: It’s in your match questions. Maybe you shouldn’t answer things if you don’t know what they mean, Mr. Encyclopedia. Guess you don’t know everything. You are now blocked.

(Last word!  It’s funny how these guys have no idea why they answered the questions certain ways when you press them on their answers.)

 

In case that wasn’t entertaining enough, I also found this message this morning, from another guy: You look so hot on that ball… 😀

My main profile picture is me being goofy on top of a giant exercise ball in a friend’s basement. Ew, ew, ew.  We’re a 56% match, so I thought it might be fun to check out his profile and questions.  Boy, was I right.

The first thing people usually notice about me:

I’m charming, polite, and smell great.

(Yeah, that message was super polite and charming.  Maybe he needs a dictionary?)

You should message me if:

You’re interested in an adventure with a sweet guy who can take charge and get things done

(Maybe we have different ideas of what constitutes a “sweet guy”, but I don’t think most of them “take charge”, or that most women looking for sweet guys want this one.)

But it gets better.

Would you date someone purely on the fact that they were well endowed?

Him: Yes Ask me to explain more in detail.

Me: No

I can’t imagine what possible explanation would make this in any way acceptable.  How does one even start that sentence?  Well, it’s totally fine for me to date a woman strictly because I like her boobs because…nothing.  Because you are a pig.  Boobs are cool.  I’ve got some, and we’re on okay terms.  But they are not the sole reason you date someone.  Period.

Do spelling mistakes annoy you?

Him: Yes

Me: Yes

Wait, what?  So, he’s allowed to be bothered by spelling mistakes, but MY answer of the same is unacceptable?

Group sex (3 or more people):

Him: I have little or no interest

Me: I have little or no interest.

Here’s where it gets even weirder.  He claims to have no interest in threesomes, but the woman is supposed to?  So that he can watch them?  Or, he’s a filthy, stinkin’ liar who just says what he thinks women will want to hear, but wants them to be in threesomes anyway.  Good job, douchecanoe.

Are you annoyed by tardiness:

Him: Yes

Me: Yes

Again…what? Oh, I think I get it.  He doesn’t like it when people are late to meet him, but it’s completely fine for him to be late for others.  Because he is almighty, and better than everyone else.

And one last one, just for funsies.

Say you’ve started seeing someone you really like.  As far as you’re concerned, how long will it take before you have sex?

Him: 3-5 dates

Me: 6 or more dates

Oh.  There it is.  Mr. Sweetie McPolitepants doesn’t want to invest that much time into a lady unless she’s willing to put out early on.  I mean, 6 dates could be like a month of his life!  He probably marks “the first date” as unacceptable, too, because obviously he doesn’t want to date a “slut”, just someone who’s dumb enough to sleep with him after spending 3-5 dates in his presence.  Frankly, I don’t think any girl will make it that long before being completely turned off and wanting to shower for the next eight days.  

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