I typically get six types of messages on OKC. The overtly sexual ones, the “hi/hey” with nothing else, the “hey pretty/sexxy/beautiful”, the “I’m going to tell you a bunch of stuff about myself and not ask you anything specific”. the “greeting and questions, but seems on the boring side”, and the very rare “greeting and questions, but seems fun/funny/quirky/interesting.” If I get one in that last category, and our percentage match is around the 90s, I’ll checkout the profile, and if I like it, I respond with interest. For the sexual messages, I generally respond with something sassy or weird. For the ones who are only interested in my appearance, I tell them that that bothers me. For the his, depending on the match percentage, I’ll ignore, respond, or respond with something absurd, because at least one of us needs to make the conversation interesting. For the guys who just talk about themselves, I call them out on it, or don’t respond. And for the final category, the guys who seem polite or pleasant but uninteresting, I give them the benefit of the doubt. They might be trying to come of as “not a rapist” or “not a serial killer”. But I’ll be a little more critical looking at their profiles. I’ll check through their questions, and see how much we fundamentally disagree or agree about. I have a few dealbreaker triggers, like sexism, homophobia, belief in creationism, non-interest in anything intellectual, or racism/tolerance of racism. For most of the other things, even if we wouldn’t be great in a relationship, we could probably at least be friends. And I like friends, right?
So I get this message from a guy who’s an okay, but not great, percentage match: randomlettersNJ: I like your profile.How long have you been living on the east coast? I moved to NJ from MN last year, But I am originally from Nigeria 11 years ago.
Not the most interesting thing in the world. Also, in the picture he has a backwards baseball cap, and is trying to look tough and cool. Sigh. Still, I check out the profile:
I am self sufficient, independent, honest, and a dedicated person. I have a great sense of humor. I am very laid back and down to earth. I enjoy helping others and making people laugh more than anything else. I mainly go by the saying “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Most people will describe me as generous hard working and caring and most of all very humorous. I enjoy watching movies and sports. Also, I like spending time with friends and family, road trips, bowling. etc Let’s chat and see what happens.
(I am soooo tired of everyone calling themselves down to earth, or laid back. And both! It’s okay to care about stuff, people, and sometimes in order to be passionate about things you like, it also means you’re passionate about what you don’t. Mostly, this just seems generic and boring.)
Working towards my goals.
(This is all he has for this entire section. No books, movies, TV, or food interests. I don’t have stylistic problems with hip hop and rap, but in general, those types of music tend to be violent, misogynistic, and promote a disturbing extreme of materialism. So, already, not looking like a great match.)
Spending time with friends.
(Doing what? Acting like ninjas? Murdering people?)
I wasn’t super interested in this guy so far, but I figured I’d check out his questions. One of the first things that stuck out was that he thinks men should be the heads of their households. Reg flag!! But I figured, hey, his message was harmless enough, I’ll at least respond and give him a chance to defend his opinion.
Me: I grew up here, but wen to college and grad school in other cities. Why do you think it’s important for men to be the heads of their households?
(Yeah, that typo’s bugging me! This seems innocuous, right?)
randomlettersNJ: You want to be the head of the household?
(Right away, this seems defensive. Instead of just answer with what he believes in, he throws out a challenge. Challenge accepted, Mr. Vague and Evasive.)
Me: I don’t really think they’re should be a head. It’s called partnership. But that didn’t answer what I asked.
(Ack, I must’ve typed that too quickly. THERE, Jess, THERE. But I won’t let you not answer.)
randomlettersNJ: I believe in partnership. But I am a little surprised how you are focused on negative already.
(Did I say anything particularly negative? If anything, I’m trying to give this guy a chance to convince me that I should like him, because so far he is uninteresting and does not seem like my type at all.)
Me: It doesn’t sound like it. But I get a lot of messages from guys who either didn’t bother to read my profile, or who don’t have a lot in common with me, or both. Some differences are fine, like what activities you enjoy, or religion. But gender equality is pretty important to me, so that’s something I look into when I get messages.
(This is true, and again, I think fairly innocuous. Yes, I commented on the partnership, because to me, thinking that the male should be the leader doesn’t mean equal partnership. But if a guy doesn’t respect women as equals, we’re not going to get along, period.)
randomlettersNJ: How about you try going with the flow sometimes. Life is too short. No reason to be too complicated.
(I never try to say that I’m easy going, or laid back, so I’m not sure why he expects that I should be, or that everyone should be. Also, nothing makes me more at ease than when a guy tells me how I should act.)
Me: How about you don’t tell me how I should respond or react, please?
randomlettersNJ: Ok boss.
(I’m asking him to not think for me, or choose my responses, so obviously that means I’m acting like I’m the boss of him. Oh, wait…)
Me: Yeah, I get to be the boss of my own thoughts and feelings. Crazy.
randomlettersNJ: You need to go and get laid. You need a good dick.
(Whoa. What? You can get defensive and argumentative all you want, but this is just gross and immature.)
Me: Wow. I asked a legitimate question about something you seem to believe, and I get this kind of response. Turns out I was right thinking that we wouldn’t get along. Obviously when a woman is assertive, you assume it’s because she’s cranky from not getting laid. I imagine a lot of women are into that. Good luck finding one.
(I assumed, because of that last line, that he would understand this as the end of the conversation. Well, we all know what happens when you assume.)
randomlettersNJ: Lol. “Turns out I was right thinking that we wouldn’t get along” Maybe you just find a way to prove yourself/thinking right. Hence why I said you are focused on the negative. Good luck to you too finding whatever it is you are looking for, if you even know.
(Yeah, I know I’m not looking for misogynists.)
Me: No, you proved it by telling me that I need to get laid. Because women only have opinions when we’re not getting some. Obviously you know what you want – a woman who won’t express her opinions or concerns. A nice doormat.
randomlettersNJ: Ha Ha. Ok, if you say so. You know everything, don’t you. Maybe it’s the way you are expressing your opinions and concerns. Perhaps you should try dating a woman, since you are such a feminist.
(I expressed my opinions perfectly politely until he told me I needed “a good dick”. I think after that I’m allowed to be pissed off. Also, this seems like Misogynist BS 101.)
Me: Yeah, because all feminists are lesbians. Plenty of men are feminists. I’m pretty sure that expressing a concern by asking someone a valid question about one of their answers is a completely acceptable and reasonable thing to do, but it seems like you don’t like people to question you. Also, it’s perfectly fine for a woman to reject you, and it shouldn’t cause you to act like a petty child.
(Again, I wished him good luck in finding his doormat.)
randomlettersNJ: Lol. This is too funny. I think you are the only one feeling rejected here. I am pretty sure I have said good bye to you and you just keep messaging back. Bye again.
…And then I reported him. Yeah, I feel super rejected by a guy I wasn’t even interested in. I think I was nicer to this guy then I am to others – I didn’t automatically assume he was going to be a jackass. But as soon as he thought I might not be fawning over his awesomeness, and swooning at his ability to initiate a conversation, he went on the offensive. Guys reject me all the time. Much, much more often than I reject them. I send friendly messages that never get responses, or get a few responses and a fade out (this one tends to confuse me the most). But I have never gotten angry with them about it, or assumed that it was because they were awful, negative people. I just assumed that they weren’t interested. Sure, it can be disappointing. And sure, I know that often it’s because they don’t find me attractive. But the logical part of my brain knows that if they don’t find me attractive enough to give me a chance, then they wouldn’t be someone I’d want to spend tons of time with. Stop taking everything so personally, guys. Women don’t have to like you just because you send a nice first message. And they definitely won’t like you if you become a dick when you think you’re being rejected. If you want to act like a child, pick the fun parts, like the Legos and pillow fights and wearing your clothing inside out. But don’t try to force women to want to date you, or assume that when we have opinions that we are uptight. Oh, and randomnumbersNJ? If you, me, and another woman were the only three people left on earth? I’d try out the whole lesbian thing.