Here’s What Your Message Says About You, or Greatest Hits Volume 1

A writer friend of mine brought it to my attention that because we’re writers, and because we’ve taught Composition, we’re extremely (erring on the side of being obnoxious) aware of the rhetorical choices people make on the internet – on social media, blogs, and especially on online dating sites.  If you’re a heterosexual woman, and you mention “loving children”, guys will think that you want to get married and have a baby RIGHT NOW.  If you’re a guy, and you mention “not wanting anything really serious right now”, most women are going to think you’re looking for a hook-up.  We’re not going to take everything you say at face value.  There’s subtext to everything.

Hi/hey/Hi there/How are you

If we’re in a real life setting, and there’s no way for you to know anything about me, this is a perfectly acceptable way for you to greet me.  If you’re using an online dating site, one with profiles to read, this message translates to, “I’m incredibly boring!” or “I’m too lazy to come up with something to say to you!”  Or even, “you’re not worth more of my time than a ‘hi'”.  These messages usually get a swift “delete”.  Every now and then I turn it into a conversation about something super random, like a house built out of bananas, or sharks doing ballet, because I get bored, and one of us has to keep things interesting, and I know that Mr. Hi There isn’t going to be that person.

Hi how are you today im 26 love the out doors , going to the beach , and watching the ocean and cuddle with , I’m looking for a serious relationship no games no bs all real thing .im a real man im romantic loving funny out going and im looking for a serious , down to earth 100% women to be with cuddle talk ,text communicate with and treat her rite if your that women email me if u are serious

This message also says a few other things.  The first is, “I copied and pasted this to 100 other women”.  Now, you’d think if he was going to send this out to so many people that he would spellcheck it first.  Or bother to write out words like “you”.  You’re not 13 – you’re an adult.  You should know how to construct a sentence (unless English is not your first language, which is not the case here).  And, considering that you find communication to be so important, it would be in your best interest to learn how to do it.  So, this message is also saying, “I’m fairly incompetent.  I may like to cuddle with the ocean.  And I’m looking for ‘a serious women’ “.  In case you didn’t get enough extra messages from this, it also tells me, “I didn’t read your profile, so I assume you won’t read mine.  That’s why I’m telling you about myself here.”  Either that, or you think I can’t read.  Which is a problem, because then how would I read this new message? Plus, between the two of us, I don’t think you’re winning the medal for literacy.  None of these are great things to get in a message, and probably are not how you want to be seen.  In addition, this message says, “It will always be about me, and never about you.”  You’re not going to ask me any questions, are you?  This would end up as more of a lecture than a date.  If I wanted a lecture on how to write like a 4th grader.

Hey sexy/gorgeous/cutie/you’re hot, etc.

This message says, “I’m really shallow”.  Now don’t get me wrong – online dating makes it really easy to be shallow.  We see people’s pictures before we read their profiles, and only click on the ones we find attractive.  That’s pretty much a given.  And attraction is important in a relationship.  Sometimes it can grow on you if the other person has a super awesome personality, but usually, we reject what we don’t like.  It sucks, but that’s just what we do.  However, for most of us, at least those of us who are actually looking for relationships, that attraction isn’t enough.  We need to know that you’re smart, or silly, or really into discovering new cheeses.  If you’re cute, but boring, cute isn’t going to mean a whole lot.  But here’s the other thing: if you’re sending me a message, I already know that you find me attractive.  Telling me this is as useful as writing a message that says, “I’m sending you a message” – it conveys about as much information that I didn’t already know.  So, really, this message also tells me, “I looked at your pictures, and that’s all”.  Next.

Hello, any chance we could have a civil conversation and maybe see what transpire? Your thoughts?

“I also copy and paste this to a hundred women, but I want it to be less obvious.  Also, I want it implied right away that I think you might not be capable of civil conversation.”

You’re joking right? There is no way you are single. you seem so gorgeous!! I’m not buying it sister. But if in fact this is not an elaborate hoax, I’d like to find out more…

“Not only did I copy and paste this to many women, but I also probably stole it from some website that gives terrible dating advice.”  Also, someone’s attractiveness has no bearing on how good they are at being in relationships.  Sure, they might find mates more easily and quickly, but they still go through breakups like the rest of us!

I wanna bend you over that medicine ball

“I have no idea how to talk to women.”

Hey wanna do something??

“I’m looking for a hookup, and I don’t want to put in the effort of having a conversation first!”

Gorgeous! but real? not so sure?

“I’m trying for a neg, but I’m not very good at it.”

i hope you like genetics too cuz i got a lot of dna for you to collect 😉

“I’m going to give you something to use that rape kit for.”

Seems like something mutual is happening in your profile pic. You are having fun with the rubber ball and the rubber ball is having fun with your balls!
Just kidding! ;)​

“I think I’m hilarious, but I’m also really confused about female anatomy.  Help?”

Hello Dear,
You are so beautiful and pretty, really can’t take my eyes off you
since i came across you.
Will you marry me?
Yours lovely,sam from ıstanbul.

“You should stay far, far away from Istanbul, because I am a crazy person.  Also, I want you to have that They Might Be Giants song stuck in your head for the next 5 hours.”

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