So, I know you’re all desperate to hear more tales of internet dating. I’ve got those, and more. It’s been a while. So, here are some of the greatest hits of the last few months, along with a douche to English translation:
SirTactless: Hey there how’s it going, I will be pretty blunt I’m looking for a girl who knows how to suck dick are you good at it.
Translation: I think that by calling myself “blunt”, I’m entitled to say whatever gross thing I want to a stranger.
In retrospect, I should have responded with, “I have very sharp teeth”.
PulledFromMyAss: You strike me as someone that’s bursting out with sexual repression between all the corny stuff on your profile. Are you looking to get orgasms at all or just talk about Harry Potter and rubber balls?
Translation: I’m so horny that I just assume everyone else is horny all the time, too, and I will now dump all of that on to you, internet stranger.
FYI, good conversation about Harry Potter beats most orgasms. Just saying.
SadBoner1: I HAVE A CGPA OF 3.97/4. And a morning boner. What excites you?
Translation: I feel entitled to your attention because I have a dick, it does things, and I need women to know about it RIGHT NOW.
But guys on the internet: if a woman doesn’t ask you specifically about your penis? Don’t tell her anything about it. Or send her a picture of it. Don’t send them to guys, either. This isn’t hard. Pun intended, folks.
GrammarIzHard: I want to know y u r so beautiful there r billion of flower in okcupid garden but as I scroll through u catch my eyes ball n immediately cupid shoot me with is love arrow I am antonio can I get to know u
Translation: Here are some cliches and text gibberish. Let me use it to paint you a horrible horrible word poem.
So, fun story about this one. First, I gave a nice, soft “no”. Then he pushed further, and I told him that the man of my dreams had better grammar and spelling. And the same guy who told me I was so beautiful? Sent these words:
GrammarIzHard: I am just just doing short spelling thats what texting is its not a letter I am writeing letter and I can spell better than you and your mother and father so fuck you you fat ugly bitch do you know who I am. You can never be my woman your so fucking dum smh fucking fool
Folks, if you’re trying to prove that you’re the smarter person, and a good speller…you should probably spell well in that message. It’s amazing how quickly I turned into a fat ugly bitch, though.
ItalianSausage (I didn’t make this one up. It’s actually part of his username): Lets hookup and watch harry potter while you suck my dick.
Translation: I read a paragraph of your profile, then remembered that I don’t care, because my penis is what really matters.
I got to have a little fun with this one, and asked Facebook for snappy one liners to respond with. Here are some samples:
-No, I’d rather not touch your Elder wand
-No, I don’t want your Hogwarts
-I don’t want to fight the Basilisk
-You will not Slytherin to this Chamber of Secrets
-No, I’d rather send you to Azkaban so that I can snap your wand in half
I messaged back with all of those, and then a short rant about how this kind of message is rude and disgusting and causes women to quit online dating. He pretended that his cousin had stolen his phone and sent messages.
So, I’ve been trying something new. I read a blog about dating, and one of the complaints I always hear from guys is that they hate that women don’t respond, and that they would prefer a response of “no” to no response at all. Women (and men) frequently explain that they don’t respond either because they get too many messages, or, as applies to most of us, responding tends to make things worse. But guys still seem annoyed about this (even though the majority of men don’t bother to respond to me, either), so I figured I would try it, and see how things went. You know I’m a masochist, right?
It…did not go well. “I don’t think we have enough in common” seems to be read as invitation for some guys to: tell me how the match questions don’t matter/that they didn’t take them seriously; tell me that opposites attract; explain to me why it’s probably okay for gay couples to marry but definitely not for them to adopt (the research says you’re full of shit, OKC dude); argue with me about how despite you studying to be a preacher, my lack of interest in religion totally won’t be a problem; and attempting to bully me into dating them. But here’s the worst caste of rejectionitis (a disease that seems to hit mainly internet dudes; a lot like “butthurt”):
MisterUnderstood: Wow. I love your profile. You seem like a great adventure of a person. I mean you look fun. And I can’t stand how pretty that face of yours is.
Okay, this is not a great start. I like you’re face so much…that I can’t stand looking at it? But whatevs, at least I “look fun”, whatever that means. Also, this guys’ photo? Lying down, shirtless, pecs and up. There’s another picture of him in a bathtub.
Me: Thanks, I don’t think we would be very compatible, though. I have to ask, though, because I see this kind of thing all the time and I’m always wondering- we have some questions with the same answers, like the “STALE is to STEAL” question, which we’ve both answered correctly, but my answer shows up red. Is that a mistake, or are you actually hoping to find a woman who would get that question wrong?
I notice this a lot, and it’s often with intelligence/logic-based questions. I mean, I know the stereotype exists about smart men dating dumb women, but I thought it was mostly nonsense.
MisterUnderstood: I don’t read into the way you answer those questions. I don’t care about that at all. I don’t even remember the equation, but I think the answer was based on relativity of the person answering it. And what makes you think we’re not compatible? Forget the questions. You can’t know merely by looking at those questions. I insist.
Why do guys always respond with this shit? If you don’t think the questions matter, don’t answer them. Or pick another dating site. Do Tinder. There are thousands of people on OKC. That’s how I figure out what profiles to actually look at! Also, how do you read into a question that only has one answer?
Me: It wasn’t based on “relativity” – there’s one right answer. But those questions exist for a reason – to help people figure out compatibility. But you don’t get to “insist” that I do anything, and the fact that you think you do? Gross.
Notice how I said the *fact* was gross.
MisterUnderstood: Really? You think I meant to be rude? Seriously? What the fuck…you’re like the rest of them. Unable to understand my method of expression. And yes, I’m allowed to say I insist. It wasn’t supposed to be forceful. I’m on the damn autism spectrum. Nobody ever understands me. And don’t call me gross. It’s offensive. And it doesn’t matter what the question was based on. It’s meaningless.
No, dude. It’s a question to test your ability to solve problems. Also, “you’re like the rest of them” is only insulting if you’re the kind of person who calls everyone else “sheeple” and thinks you are a superior special snowflake who is misunderstood because you are better than all the “regular” people. Annnd now it’s time to get sassy, because most people I know who have Asperger’s would never try to use it to excuse bad behavior.
Me: And it’s offensive to use autism as a reason for being rude and sexist. When someone says they’re not interested/compatible/some other version of no? Accept it, stop pushing it. I get to choose why I don’t want to date someone, and I don’t owe you an explanation. There’s no way to win with this stuff, as a woman, though. If I just ignore the message, it’s because “women can’t be bothered to respond”, and then if I politely turn someone down, they try to bully me into dating them and explaining why I’m turning them down. If “like the rest of them”, you mean that I expect people to be respectful when I’m not interested, then, yeah, I’m like that.
Clearly, my frustration with this whole process got to me. There’s another long rant where he calls me arrogant, ignorant, and abhorrent, and prattles on about how I called him gross (which I didn’t). But there’s a lot of pent up anger about sexism and double standards in my response – so many things I’m tired of hearing guys say about women. “Women get so many messages and never send any”. Nope and nope. “Women don’t ever respond”. Nope, I do, and then the guys stop talking to me. Even when I’m actually nice! “Women can always get a date”. Hahahahaha no.
No, what guys really mean when they say this? “Women I find attractive do not message or respond to me, and since they are often also *conventionally* attractive, and have lots of other options.” I’m tired of not existing to like…90% of guys. Because if you are a woman who is not conventionally attractive, old, fat, disabled, and often, non-white, you do not exist. A guy friend once told me that it was impossible to be good friends with a woman without there being sexual tension (for context, he had pantsfeelings for another friend). And when I asked how he and I were able to be friends, he shrugged it off with, “well, you’re not like them,” like it was some kind of compliment. No, dude, you forgot I was a woman, because I don’t register on your attractive-o-meter.
And it’s the same shit with dating. Before I message a guy, I have to make sure he doesn’t hate fat people, or that he would be potentially be open to dating a fat woman. Which isn’t as easy as just scanning the questions about body type, though a shockingly awful amount of people are legitimately annoyed by fat people. Guys, I’m not being fat *at* you, I promise. If a guy mentions going to the gym, or “being active” or attention to health/healthy foods? There’s a good chance he wouldn’t date me, because in our society, we equate active/healthy with thin, and we assume that fat people are all lazy stupid slobs who eat nothing but bacon and fast food while watching reality TV on our couches.
And it’s worse in real life, because guys don’t approach me…ever. Okay, one time a guy at a bar/club came up and danced next to me when I was with friends. But the rest of the time? It’s me doing the approaching. And that’s soul crushing and exhausting, and has only worked once. Again, I have to feel the person out, not just for whether they’re interested, but whether or not they’d be offended that I even thought they would consider dating me. Or if they would, but they’re too worried that their friends would give them flack for it. It’s really hard to figure this kind of thing out. Plenty of guys will be perfectly friendly to me, but when you see things like “women’s worst fear on a blind date is that they will be killed, and men’s is that the woman will be fat”, it’s pretty hard to want to go out and date at all, ever, . Somehow, just by existing in the body I have, I am a lot of guy’s biggest fear on a date. I mean, I get that people are attracted to who they’re attracted to – I’m not attracted to all men. And that a date with someone who doesn’t float your boat isn’t ideal, but…really? A fear? Just…don’t go on a second date. But it’s not just that. It’s not just not finding people like me attractive. It’s that there are people out there with such vicious hatred about it. There were like a dozen subreddits just for hating fat people and telling stories of fat people being humiliated, until, a week ago, they got taken down because their members were harassing other reddit users. Reading about that kind of thing makes me want to crawl into a corner and huddle with my knees to my chest and never come out.
But I can’t, because I have work and life and rats to feed. So I get up every morning and try to be awesome. Except that some days it’s really hard to feel awesome, and really exhausting to pretend that I do.