Monthly Archives: September 2015

This is What We Mean When We Talk About Male Entitlement

Lately, it just seems like the messages I’m getting are all just varying degrees of terrible.  For example, this is one I got last night:

LazyBones: I have no idea what to put in a first message to someone on this website. I’m just gonna skip all that. You look like a cool person – wanna talk?

Come on, man.  Why in the world would you think this would merit a good response?  This is, roughly translated, “I saw your picture, thought it looked good, but I don’t want to put in any effort into this.”   Is it really that hard to send a message that helps you get to know the other person?  Do people really not know how conversation works?  Stop expecting me to do all the work for you.  I put a lot of effort and time into my profile, working out the best way to show off my personality without being either too braggy or too self-deprecating.  Why is it that you think that you don’t need to put in any thought at all? This is as bad as the people who start off their profiles by saying “eh, I’m really bad at describing myself” or “I don’t really know how to write about myself”.  If you don’t know, learn.  Read other profiles, and see what’s in them.  Do more interesting things.  If you tried this in any other part of life, it would backfire miserably.  “I don’t know how to do taxes, so I’m not gonna”.  Um, okay, good luck getting your income levied by the IRS when they realize that you haven’t paid them any money.  Wait, can I use this same principle when I’ve read through these guys’ boring profiles?  Like, in a few years, they owe me something interesting to read?

And then there’s this conversation.  He’s 19.  I’m 29.

Old4MyAge: Hey how are you

Old4MyAge: Hi

Me: I don’t think we have much in common. Also, you’re really young.

We’re a 40% match.  Even someone who just graduated from high school should know that’s a failing grade. Does that, or what I said, deter him?  Of course not.

Old4MyAge: Well would you like to chat for a little and see if we do have things in common? And our ages shouldn’t matter, so what do you like to do for fun

Dude, no.  “I don’t think we have much in common” is not a challenge.  It is not an invitation for you to prove to me that we have things in common.  

Me: Ages matter to me, therefore they matter.

I get to decide what matters to me.  You can think it’s silly, but you do not get to tell me what should and should not matter to me in dating.  I can say that I won’t date guys who have an uneven number of face freckles, or who like Star Trek more than Star Wars, or who own anything written by Ayn Rand (okay, that last one is a completely justifiable reason to not date a person).  And you do not get to argue with that.  

Old4MyAge: Ok so you don’t wanna talk just because of our age gap

Me: Not really, no. I worked in a high school last year, and you are the same age as the students who just graduated.

Old4MyAge: I graduated two years ago I know not a big difference but still I think we could have a nice time talking, so what do you like to do

I have now told this guy in three different ways that I’m not interested, and yet he is STILL trying to start a conversation.  He even acknowledged that I did not want to talk to him.  And yet he’s still trying to get me to talk to him!  

Me: Dude. “We don’t have a lot in common” is a soft no. It means I’m not interested. I’m curious why you answer “yes” to whether you enjoy intense intellectual conversations, and my identical answer comes up in red, and also would like to let you know that wherefore means “why” and not “where”, but otherwise, pretty much done with this conversation.

He finally got the message.  For some reason as soon as I tell guys that their answer to the “wherefore” is wrong (it’s not an opinion question.  There is a right answer), they immediately stop talking to me.  No complaints here.  And this dude:

NotRacistButWouldDateOne: Hello,how are you? I would like to chat with you,i hope you give me a chance

Already begging for my attention, but really not giving me any a good reason to give it to him.  F for effort.

Me: I don’t think we have much in common, or are looking for the same things.

Okay, to me this is a pretty clear soft no.  It’s a nicer version of what I want to say, which is something like “holy shark farts, you’re boring” or “not only do I not want to date you, I do not want to be in the same room with you, ever”.  Those things are considered impolite and socially unacceptable, though, so I generally go with some variation of the above.  

NotRacistButWouldDateOne: What are you looking for?

Seriously?  Is he this dumb?  I doubt it.  But there are guys who, if you do not use the word “no”, loudly, in their faces, will weasel their way into things and then try to convince you that you were leading them on.  

Me: Someone who thinks gay folks can adopt, and who doesn’t want to date a racist.

NotRacistButWouldDateOne: Well i’m not a racist and i agree with gay people adopt

NotRacistButWouldDateOne: You think i’m a racist?

NotRacistButWouldDateOne: Give me one chance

And we’re back to the entitlement.  He has given me no reasons to be interested in him.  In fact, he’s done the opposite.  If the situation arose where I had the choice of saving this guy, or saving a cat, I’d save the cat without hesitation.  Keep in mind that I’m allergic, and very much a dog person.  At this point, I was pretty fed up, so…

Me: First of all, I owe you zero explanations, and zero chances. Second, you seem confused about how to answer questions, then, because here are some of yours: Would you consider dating someone who has vocalized a strong negative bias toward a certain race of people?
Yes. or The idea of gay and lesbian couples having children is: Not acceptable. Not to mention that I’m monogamous, and that you don’t seem to be. Oh, and that you set your age range from 18-26, and I’m not in that. Is there a reason you won’t date a woman your own age or older?

This is one of my pet peeves – guys who set the high end of their age bracket at or below their own age. I’ve heard guys try to explain that if they want children, they need to date someone younger.  Because there’s no such thing as adoption or surrogacy or anything.  The only option is to date a 25 year old!  And this guy is only 27.  Plenty of women older than him can conceive, if that’s what he’s worried about.  No, it’s an excuse to follow the cultural norm that it’s totally appropriate for older guys to hit on significantly younger women, because reasons.  I mean, we all know that once a woman turns 30, or 28, or 25, or whatever it is, her market value decreases, or insert disgusting way Red Pillers would use to describe it.  Dating a 30 year old woman is basically dating a corpse.

And then there are the others.  A sampling:

Omg your eyes are amazing 😍 hello gorgeous my name is Ali 😊 how are you doing

I know this is a cliche way to break the ice, but your eyes really are very pretty

Omg your eyes 😦 I wanna be with you give me that one chance and I promise I’ll never let you go.

hey hun, I’m Vince. I think you have such amazing eyes and would like to get to know you 🙂

Is there some sort of dude dating advice handbook that is telling guys that they should always compliment a woman’s eyes?  For the record, I use my Facebook picture as my profile picture, so those of you that know me can tell that you really can’t see my eyes.  In fact, in most photos, if I’m smiling, my eyes are almost closed.  Is this what guys started doing once they realized that “nice tits” isn’t the ice breaker they once thought it was?  And, some more:

I’m sure that you hear this a lot but you are seriously one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life

So, here’s a think a lot of guys have already told you, so I thought I’d be super boring and repeat it.

Hi how are you .,?? you are very attractive 🙂 but what is that on your neck !!???

It’s a time turner.  I keep it so that after I read messages like this, I can go back to a time when I still had faith in humanity.

Hi beautiful lady are you doing

This guy went on to ask if I was married, give me his number, and then beg me for about twenty messages to text him.  I finally had to google how to say “No, I’m not interested” in his native language. Now, this exchange really illustrates the problem to me.  He lives in ND:

Dude: Hi how are you

Me: Very much not in North Dakota. Nor do I have any interest in going there.

Dude: Ok ur really very beautiful

I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t interested, and he still feels the need to evaluate my looks.  Why do so many guys (strangers) think that I give a rat’s ass what their opinion on my appearance is?  Why do they think that any woman cares? It has never once occurred to me to message a guy and tell him how nice his eyes are, or that he’s got a good body, or that I think he is super cute.  Because I don’t think it’s my place to tell strangers that, and there is no reason for them to care about my opinion on the subject.  If you’re wearing a t shirt with dinosaurs on it, will I compliment that?  Probably.  But that t shirt is a thing that you chose for yourself.  

But let’s be honest here.  When guys send these kinds of messages, it’s not because they’re trying to be nice.  It’s because our culture places a woman’s value in how attractive she is.  Just ask older women in Hollywood.  And, a lot of men think that they are entitled to having their opinion on a woman’s looks heard. So you, internet dude, are going to evaluate me based on what our culture has deemed important, and you will assume that this is how I judge my own worth, and that I care what you think about my body/face/eyes/etc.  Except that I don’t, and many other women don’t, either. Sure, I like to look nice sometimes.  I want people to find my appearance generally pleasing.  But not as much as I want people to not think I’m an idiot.  Or to think that I’m a generally good, kindish person who can be funny and sassy and who has finally decided not to take crap from people.  

And just in case you think I’m exaggerating, or that I’ve over thought this, here’s what happens when you respond to these “compliments”:

NiceGuyFrank: Hey what’s up? You are absolutely beautiful, I am frank, I would love to get to know you, you would make my day if you messaged me back and told me more about you or you could text me if you wanted 732***-****

Me: I don’t usually like to talk to guys who are only interested in my looks, thanks.

NiceGuyFrank: That’s ok because I’m prob the only one there will ever be that thinks that

Wow.  Two minutes ago you thought I was gorgeous.  And now that I’ve told you I’m not interested, suddenly I’m a hideous she-beast and he was slumming it by even considering hitting this.  Because the best way to insult a woman is to imply that she is ugly, and that no one will ever think otherwise.  

So, guys.  If the only thing you can think to message a woman about is her appearance?  You either haven’t looked at her profile, or don’t have anything in common.  You might also just be a boring person with nothing to say.  And for the love of pizza, stop telling us what you think about how we look.  We really, really don’t care.

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So I Think One of Donald Trump’s Supporters Messaged Me

So I mention in my OKCupid profile that I’m a feminist.  Now, I understand that this word has taken on a lot of baggage: Feminazis, tumblr feminists, some versions of SJWs, ruining video games, etc.  But I’m talking about feminist in the most basic sense, i.e., gender quality through the lens of helping out the less privileged party.  I think most people mean this when they describe themselves as feminist.  And yet, guys on the internets feel the need to explain it to me, or tell me why I’m wrong to be a feminist.  “Well, isn’t that saying that women are BETTER than men?”  Nope.  “I know that individual women are smarter than individual men, but overall, I just think men are smarter based on absolutely no facts or statistics”.  Cool story, bro.  “I’m an egalitarian – that’s more equal than feminism is”.  Except that egalitarian is super broad, and doesn’t involve taking any sort of action to fix and social problems.  It’s pretty much just saying you believe all people are equal, in the same sense that Thomas Jefferson told us they were over 200 years ago. But some of my favorites are the ones who tell me how feminist they are, like this charmer:

ImSoFeminist: Hey, how’s it going? I love your random trunk goodness lol. I’d totally eat your melted gushers, those things rock! I’d be down for some board games together(do you play Monopoly?). I’m cool with you being a feminist, I’m the same. I have a pretty silly sense of humor, and an overactive imagination to boot:) We should totally chat sometime.

-Randy

Just to clear up confusion, I start off my profile with a list of stuff that I keep in my trunk.  It’s a weird list, but I think it gives a decent idea of my personality without me having to sell myself in a way that makes me cringe.  And speaking of that, please, guys, stop telling me about how great your sense of humor is.  Show me, by, you know, actually being funny. 

Me: So..a feminist who still wants his partner to take his last name?

I’m not going to lie, I already knew I wasn’t interested in this guy.  We disagreed about some pretty crucial stuff, as you’ll see.  So I figured, why not bust some chops?

ImSoFeminist:Yeah, what’s wrong with that? I’m sorry if that offends you, but that is the tradition I’m used to. And hello to you too…

Well, if that’s what you’re used to, obviously you can’t consider anything else.  That might require opening up your mind a little.  That sounds hard.

Me: Well, you mentioned being feminist, and that, and some of your other answers, makes me question that a bit.

ImSoFeminist: Let me clarify it for you. I believe in equal rights for me and women. We should be treated equally. I have a lot of love and respect for women in general. My cousins gf told me I was a feminist. I may not agree with or know everything about feminism though, so don’t be so harsh towards men.

Ohhhh I get it.  You have no idea what the word actually means, and have made zero effort to find out. Gotcha.  Oh, and one woman once told you you were one.  Also, I like how “treated equally” means, “well, unless it affects one of my traditions”.  And that I’m apparently being harsh towards all men because I questioned this particular man’s opinion.  Now, here’s the sad part: his views on women look half decent compared to what follows.

Me:Care to explain…this one?: Would you consider dating someone who has vocalized a strong negative bias toward a certain race of people?
Your answer: It depends on which race.

I’m honestly not sure what I was expecting here.  I can’t think of a single explanation that would cause me to slap the heel of my hand to my forehead and say, “I see!  He’s definitely not a racist!”  There’s really no wiggle room with this one.  Maybe I just wanted to see a racist try to justify racism, or pretend that it isn’t racism.  

ImSoFeminist: I feel some races have more bad people that I’ve come across than others. That’s my opinion, and I’m entitled to it. Wow, whatever happened to just getting to know somebody, rather than see how quickly you can attack them and pick them apart?

Nope, he took a thing and made it worse.   He even admitted that this utter horseshit is his opinion, and not based in any facts.  Also, I don’t thinks it’s unreasonable to have racism as a dealbreaker.  In fact,  a guy NOT having racism as one of his dealbreakers…is a dealbreaker for me.  If that made any sense.  And if you don’t want people to read your answers to the questions and ask about them, well, don’t answer them.  Or, I don’t know, consider that if you’re worried that other people might accuse you of sounding like a racist…that you might actually be a racist.  

Me: You are, and I’m entitled to think that that opinion..seems pretty racist. I wanted to give you a chance to clarify in case it wasn’t actually meant to be racist.

ImSoFeminist: I mean what is your damage?

Um, what year is this? Are we in Heathers?

Me: I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to ask for people to clarify their views. I thought this was a dating site, where people answered questions, and those answers were public. How dare I want to know about the views of a person I’m considering dating!

ImSoFeminst: If that’s an issue, best of luck to you. Everybody is a little racist in some way. I don’t like anybody Islam because of ISIS. Every time you turn around when something crime related is on the news, 90% of the time the person is a black male. I mean wtf is a person supposed to think?? I guess you’re perfect, right?

First of all, yes, I’m perfect.  Also…I…what?  Nobody is “Islam”.  Islam is a religion.  People are Muslim.  The same way that people are Jewish, and not Judaism.  But this guy is just digging a deeper hole to bury himself in.  Does he really not understand that while ISIS is pretty much made of Muslims, not all Muslims (in fact, not even the majority) are in ISIS?  And those last two sentences make me so damned angry.  I mean, if he follows his own logic, wouldn’t that mean that women are superior, too?  And that none of it has anything to do with, say, environmental factors?  Sometimes I want to ragequit humanity so hard.

ImSoFeminist: Wow, wound tight a little much are we?

For that, I will end you.

Me: Um, whoa. Not all Muslims are in ISIS. A person is supposed to think…that other factors may be involved. Like poverty, or oppression, or education, or class.

Me: Yup. Because I’d prefer not to date/hang out with racists, I’m uptight. Sounds legit.

Seriously, I’m so tired of this.  If a woman expresses an opinion that is contrary to yours, she is not automatically uptight.  

ImSoFeminist: Right. And when one of them kills somebody you care about, get back to me on that one. Later.

Like, really?  I don’t get this at all.  If a white man killed, say, his father, he wouldn’t automatically hate all white people, or all men.  He would just hate that particular man.  But because it was a black man, he must therefore think worse of an entire race.  But not of men.  Because he’s one of them.  So this way of thinking only works if you’re so set on othering people that you can’t even see that you’ve turned people who are different than you into lesser, non-human things.  If a Catholic had killed his father, would he hate Catholics?  Unless if was over a religious feud, I highly doubt it.  Because that would be fucking absurd. Are there really that many people who haven’t figured out that a good portion of those black men who are committing crimes are also…poor?  And that if you look at the numbers for crime from a pool of just poor people, things look a little different?  Or that being a member of the most oppressed minority in our country might actually wear away at you until you’re left with only a raw jumble of nerves, and that that might make you incredibly angry?

ImSoFeminist:Get over yourself, girl. Best of luck, you’re going to need it! Bye!

Oh, the butthurt is strong with this one.

I guess I just don’t understand where these opinions even come from.  What do people gain from harboring so much hatred for certain groups of people?  And how much does humanity lose when some members abandon all empathy?

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