So, because I’m a masochist, I pay for my OKC account. Which means that I see whoever “liked” my profile. This is actually one of the main reason I pay – I can find guys who maybe aren’t so confident about making approaches, but be more sure that I will get a response. Seems like a win for everyone, no? Well, most of the time, I still don’t get responses from those guys (are they just liking every profile they see?). But I also end up looking at some of the incredibly incompatible profiles of people who’ve liked me. Like this one. Here’s his “message me if” section:
You are an honest genuine person looking to get to know who I am. You’re non judgemental and real. I’m not looking for random hook ups. If you can have fun, regardless if we’re out for the night or in playing a game just laughing or watching tv, then we’ll get along great.
Oh, and if you think you can convince me this online dating stuff is worth it. Seriously though, message if you think we have something in common and have actually taken the time to read about me.
Italics mine. I’m not a big fan of any backhanded challenges in these sections, like “if you want to prove that women do message men”. Please stop trying to trick people into messaging you just to prove how much of an asshat you are.
Is a woman who’s slept with 100 men a bad person?
Hmm. This sounds totally non-judgmental! And just to be clear, I’m not trying to say that everyone should try to sleep with that many people. I certainly haven’t, and never will. It’s just not my jam. And chances are that a guy I date would feel similarly. But why must that mean that someone living their sex lives differently is automatically wrong, or bad? If it’s all consensual, no one is being harmed, and I’m not personally involved, I can’t see why it’s even my business or place to judge.
If you were to get married, would you want your partner to change his or her last name to yours?
Ohhh. I think I understand. You want me to be non-judgmental, because you want to be able to make my choices for me. Cool.
Do you dress up for Halloween almost every year?
My answer of “Yes” comes up in red. Really? That’s a thing your going to judge me for? In that case, your answer of “no” allows me to judge you as “boring and generally not awesome”.
Are you more attracted to virgins?
So much side-eye for this. What century is this? This is a preference I see all over the place. It’s one thing if you’re very religious, and you also plan to be a virgin until marriage. Or maybe if you’re asexual and want to date someone who has no sexual experience (though really, as longer as the other person wanted to be ace from then on, I don’t see why it would matter). But it’s often guys who either aren’t virgins themselves, or who wouldn’t be if they’d had the opportunity. So they’re asking women to live up to a standard that they are unwilling to keep for themselves.
How frequently do you go out of your way to make others feel appreciated?
My answer of “way more than average” (there’s only a choice for average, below, and way above – nothing for slightly above) is in the red. So..you claim to be looking for someone who is nice and kind (mentioned in other parts of your profile), just not…nicer and kinder than you are?
Do you attempt to conserve water, energy or other resources during your everyday life?
Again, my answer (Almost always) is in the red. I’m sorry, you’re bothered by me conserving water? How could this possibly affect you in any negative way? This sounds, again, like you don’t like anyone who doesn’t do things the same way, or to the same degree, as you.
Reading profiles can be, for lack of a better phrase, a huge bummer. Worse, this guy is a 95% match. With 40 un-matched questions, of about 150 that we have both answered. I know the questions are weighted, but I can’t see any system of weighting in which this makes sense. Profiles like that throw my hackles up, but not as much as the conversations I’ve had lately.
TheMan: I love that you are into Nirvana. What are your favorite songs from them?
Okay, there isn’t anything wrong with this as a first message. Music isn’t my favorite opening topic, but I’ll generally bit. So I checked out more of the guy’s profile.
Me:Care to explain this answer: “Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?”
This is about as dealbreakery of a question as you can get. That, and the question that asks if you abuse animals. They don’t just make me not want to date you, they make me wonder what illegal things you’ve done that you haven’t been caught for.
TheMan: I must’ve press the wrong question. I thought I answered that to no. Sorry!
TheMan:Still interested in talking?
So he didn’t actually change his answer. It’s still up like that. Also, allow me some time to read your message before you message me question marks.
Me: I don’t think we’re looking for the same things.
Okay, I think the general population understands that this means: I don’t really want to date you, but I’m trying not to be a huge douchecanoe about it. Most people do not actually want you to say, “no, I don’t want to talk to you because I find you hideous”. Or “holy shitballs you’re stupid. I can’t talk to you for one more second”. Yet, it almost never stops there. The willful ignorance is staggering.
TheMan:Like what? I want a long term relationship.
As if that is the only thing that would matter. For Newton’s sake, Hitler was in a long term relationship. Andrei Chikatilo a serial killer who is responsible for raping, murdering, and eating up to 100 women was married for 30 years. Surely this isn’t the only standard I should be basing compatibility on?
TheMan:Just give me a chance.
Ugh, this is one of my least favorite phrases. It just reeks of “I can’t take no for an answer”. Which might work in sales, but it gets into gross and potentially illegal territory when it comes to dating.
Me: Dude. That was a soft no, not an invitation to ask why.
Whenever I start off a response with “dude”, I’m exasperated. There’s an implied “really?” after it.
TheMan: Well I’m standing up for myself. I thought women like that.
I…don’t even think this is a legit stereotype. Also, not taking “no” for an answer when someone does not want to date you is NOT the same as you standing up for yourself.
TheMan: Also we have lots in common.
Yes, we are both human shaped, and have interests. And like Nirvana. Seems like enough for a marriage to me!
Me: But just in case: I don’t think it’s cool to call women “sluts”. I’m interested in politics, and would like to date someone who is also. I’m not particularly interested in sports. I think it’s gross that you mentioning women “playing games” in your profile – as if men here don’t play just as many games. I don’t find arrogance charming. I don’t think shoving a baseball bat up someone’s ass is an appropriate reaction to a rape joke on a t-shirt. I’d rather play games than get drunk. You also put a much bigger emphasis on sex than I do.
These are all things based on his profile and answers to questions. But yeah, tons in common! Except, you know, stuff I find important.
Me: I case none of that is enough, me saying, in other words, that I’m not interested, made you push harder, which makes me think you feel entitled to my attention. It’s not about sticking up for yourself. No one was picking on you or oppressing you. I merely don’t want to date you. That is not a time to push further. Accept a “no” gracefully, whatever form it comes in. And maybe stop thinking about women as a monolith who all like the same thing.
Is it obvious from this how tired I am of this kind of response? I’ve never had a guy explain to me why he wasn’t interested in dating – and this includes friends or guys I’ve asked out in the real world. I generally just say, “alrighty then”, seek clues for whether they want to actually stay friends, and then try not to be terribly embarrassed for asking in the first place. I can’t think of many answers outside of “I’m gay” or “I’m already seeing someone” that would make me feel remotely better. Maybe “you’re just too awesome, and I can’t handle it”. I imagine that’s why most guys turn me down. I mean, this amount of awesome is tough for the average person to deal with on a daily basis.
TheMan: Whatever. Your loss like everyone else’s on dating sites. So many high expectations. Just being a man. CyA!
I…what? I didn’t realize that “respect for a no” was a high expectation. Or that finding someone who shares my general political views and some interests were also high expectations. Or not wanting someone to respond to a rape joke…with a rape simulation. Yup. These women with their high standards.
Me: Uh, no. Being pushy isn’t “being a man”. It’s being disrespectful.
This is a line of thinking I don’t understand, and that shoots up giant, light up, glittery red flags for me. Trying to push someone into dating you is “being a man?” What the what? That is horrifying. If you follow that to it’s logical conclusion, sexual assault and rape are just “men being men”. Which, like “boys will be boys”, is another cliche that I loathe. Frankly, it’s incredibly insulting to boys and men to think that self control is just something that they don’t have. As if no men are capable of taking no for an answer. I guess none of the guys I’ve dated are real men. Gender is not an excuse for bad behavior.
Me: That response makes me think you meant your answer to the obligation to have sex question. If you thinking being pushy is important to manhood…
What did he find funny about this? I really can’t figure that out. Does he genuinely think that respect is the antithesis of manliness? Where is this awful message coming from? Because I’ve got news for you – this guy? Not alone in thinking this kind of thing.
TheMan: Just drop it would you.
TheMan: Glad I won.
Oh no you did not. First of all, if you approach conversation as things you win or lose, you’re conversing wrong. Second of all…is this his way of saying, “nah nah, I got the angry woman to shut up”? It went of for a few more messages, but this is the note I need to end on. This is the reaction when a guy asks why a woman doesn’t want to date him and she answers honestly. And if would be one thing if this kind of conversation is rare, but I have it several times a week, if I’m getting messages daily. Honestly, I frequently have to remind myself that I have male friends in the world who are not like this, and that the majority of men are probably not like this, because when I’m on the internet (and not just limited to OKC), it’s really, really hard to remember.